I just got home from my Native American Literature class. At this point, I am so enthralled in this literature that I am even surprising myself. The writing that these Native American authors have published is extremely poignant and eye opening. It's funny because, although I have no connection to my Native American heritage, I know it exists and is fairly strong in my bloodline. So studying these topics has greatly increased my curiosity and opened my eyes to a whole different aspect of my history.
Reading about the boarding schools that these children were sent to, the statutes and limitations used by the government to "define" one's level of "Indianness" (as they called it, but obviously not correct) is almost appalling. You must be an eighth this, or a fourth that, etc etc etc. It is confusing and overwhelming and dehumanizing. I cracked up as I read about the girls that laid their coarse, long black hair on an ironing board and ironed it to be flowing and straight. I, too, ironed my hair when I was younger. Quite often, actually, I laid down on a towel with my curls sprawling out above my head, as my sister laid the burning hot iron as close to my scalp as possible, to force my hair to let go of its most natural form. I always fought my curls when I was younger...I cursed them every single day. I did everything in my power to straighten them out. From sleeping in rollers the size of soda cans, to running a chemical straightener through it, to spending hours ironing it...I was in a constant battle with my hair. Or was I in a battle with myself?
It took me 14 years to overcome that battle that presented itself through my hair and my dress. I wanted to fit in. I wanted to look like my friends at school. I wanted to feel comfortable. But everything I did to feel comfortable was done in vain, only touched the surface, and did nothing but suffocate the real me that tried harder and harder every day to manifest itself, as I subconsciously fought it, tooth and nail, and pushed it back down. Once I learned how to let go, and just be, I realized how exhausting that really is. I realized how fighting my history and my heritage was slowly destroying my soul, and in turn making it near impossible to accomplish my dreams.
SO, here I am, 2 and a half years after accepting me, after accepting my downfalls and shortcomings, my insecurities and fears, still in one piece...one WHOLE piece, stronger then I have ever been. It's actually fun to get to know yourself. I strongly recommend it! Sure, that was accomplished through some pretty intense therapy. But, hey, I am firm believer that EVERYone, at some point in their life, should spend a few hours on the couch venting to a third-party. Plus, most therapists have some pretty comfy couches, quiet and peaceful offices, and wide-open ears. Who couldn't use that?!?
However, one thing to keep in mind, there is nothing easy about sitting on the couch. In the beginning, it may just feel like a chat session. But then you realize how tough it can be. I mean, for heaven's sake, some therapists even give you homework (as if I don't have enough already)! To me, though, the point of therapy IS to work. No one else can heal you, no one else can push through your fears, no one else can frame your life. It is ALL UP TO YOU, and ONLY you. You are in control, if you choose to be. You know your background, your heritage, your family, your history. And if you don't, well then, the fun begins! You get to create your heritage and your history. Either way, you take what you can from your heritage and work it to help you and enrich your life. You decide what you want your legacy to be, what you will represent, and what others will remember about you.
As for me, I will research and study more of my Native American heritage. I will learn what my ancestors went through, how they struggled, what they believed in, and how they framed their lives. I will connect with that history and those that paved the way for me. I am the first female on both sides of my family to ever graduate from college. Sure, some have attended college, but none have actually graduated. I don't say this for praise or for a pity party. I say this because that is the exact reason I am graduating from college. The strength that my mother and grandmother's instilled in me is unmistakable. Because of the opportunities that they may have missed out on due to a lack of education, they have always encouraged and supported me in my education. It is because of, not in spite of, their lack of education, that I am where I am at today. That picture is of my strong mom and me. She is not the one that I get the Native American heritage from, but she is the one that I get my strength and independence from as a woman. The other picture is of my father and me, the one that I get my Native American Heritage from, and also much of my strength from as well.
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