WOW! I am not exactly sure where to begin with this blog posting because it has been SO long since I have posted and SO much has happened in my life. I went through a very trying and rigorous experience as I completed my student teaching this past semester and I was tested in every possible way...physically, emotionally, mentally, etc. When that much pressure is placed on one person in such a short period of time, especially a person with my history, it is the perfect set up for a relapse.
But guess what?!? I have not ONCE even considered relapse! In fact, it has only made my convictions to keep myself in recovery even stronger. See, I know life is hard. That is a fact that no one will ever change, and we all will experience varying levels of difficulty as we go throughout life. I have said it before, and will say it again...WHAT TRULY MATTERS IS HOW WE CHOOSE TO RESPOND TO THE STRESSES OF LIFE!!!
Four years ago I was at my lowest point, desperate to find some treatment to help me beat my eating disorder and desperate to find some meaning in my life. Back then I thought my life had no meaning. Ed had taken over and I had completely lost myself. Now, 2 weeks ago, I walked across that stage at UNLV as my name was read as I graduated from college. Few thought this day would ever actually come for me...and I was included in those doubtful people. But...I DID IT!
It has been interesting over the past few weeks...how my life seems to have come full circle. Ironically I received a voicemail from the first therapist I ever worked with over 7 years ago when I initially started trying to fight my eating disorder. Within days, I ran into the first doctor that officially diagnosed me with an eating disorder, that again, I worked with over 7 years ago. Both were so happy for me and so proud of me to see where I am at today. And in the next week, I will be going to lunch with the therapist I worked with while in treatment, who truly helped me turn that corner and embark on my TRUE and lasting journey of recovery. I can't help but smile when I think of those 3 people and the impact they had on my life.
I do not say this in search of kudos from others. I say this because I want others out there to know that IT IS POSSIBLE! I can vaguely remember being at my lowest point and very seriously wondering if there actually was life after an eating disorder. I always thought that even if I stopped my "ed" behaviors, that ed would always be there trying to play mind games with me. I could not fathom life without body image issues or always getting on board with the next big diet craze out there. But now, 4 years later, those issues are the farthest thing from my mind! I can't even remember the last time I actually weighed myself. I enjoy going shopping for new clothes, regardless of the size on the label. I enjoy meeting with friends for lunch and enjoying a good meal and good conversation without having calorie counting constantly taunting me in the back of my mind.
There is SO much more to life than ed. There is so much more to life than looking thin in an outfit. There is SO much more to EVERY single one of us beneath this layer of skin that creates our physical body. If we choose to accept that, underneath it all, we are all spiritual beings on varying levels, all those outside appearances quickly lose their importance and we can focus on being good, loving, generous and thankful people. If we choose to acknowledge that our body's are a gift from God and should be treated with the utmost respect, we truly can accomplish so many things in this life.
And now I embark on a new chapter of my life. Now I find so much joy in reaching out to others that are still suffering and helping them find the excitement in life. There is nothing more rewarding than seeing the light and the life return to someone's eyes...a beautiful person inside and out...without the tauntings of ed in the background. If there is anything that makes my 14 years of suffering worth every second, it is seeing even one single person find themselves. It is seeing that person get excited about life! It is seeing that person gain a new determination to fight ed...and then seeing that person strong enough in their own recovery, to turn around and "Pay It Forward" and share with others what they have learned.
Do not face recovery by yourself, or for other people. CHOOSE recovery and reach out to supportive and loving people. CHOOSE to recover to create a full, meaningful life for yourself so that you can be a light to others. Many of us are mothers, aunts, sisters, daughters, granddaughters, etc. But when ed takes over, the true inner beauty of that person is lost and they become completely unrecognizable to their loved ones. But when ed is gone, that amazing person comes shining through and there is no denying it!
So, I challenge you...put your foot down. Stop ed in his tracks. Stand your ground, find your true, genuine self and create a LIFE WORTH LIVING for yourself. And I PROMISE you, as you do, you will find light and life and happiness that will overcome every being of your soul. YOU ARE WORTH IT! And I know, without a doubt, that you CAN do it! I am ALWAYS here for a word of advice, a meaningful conversation, or just a listening ear. ANYthing I can do to help stop this ugly disease and spread the word of love and joy is small compared to the blessings I have received and the life I now lead every single day. Please, contact me at anytime, if you are needing a little extra push to help keep you on your road to recovery and your journey to a happy, fulfilled life!
May you always be filled with love, laughter, and only the happiest of tears as you come to accept what an amazing and POWERful person you truly are!
