Reality Bites...(sometimes!)

*** This is the bracelet for Eating Disorder Awareness...someday I will get myself one!

It is now 1pm...13 hours after I expected my life to completely change. 13 hours after I assumed a specific date and strike of the minute-hand would somehow transform my life into the perfect scene - that scene where I am part of the "Jones" family. Ya know, the fmaily that everyone is envious of. Maybe I could be Marsha Jones that everybody liked (course, we all know that didn't turn out so well for her!) Or perhaps I could be Cindy Jones...it fits...with the blonde curly hair (I was quite blonde as a child). Either way, it wasn't the material possessions that the "Jones" apparently possessed that I was after. No...It was that persona, complete with perma-grin and a demeanor of what looked like perfect, genuine happiness and constant joy. Oh...how appealing that was to me! And, quite naively, I had this whole fairytale scenario in my head; I would become a REVERSE Cinderella! When that clock struck midnight, the ugly frog (I could use other, more choice words here, but I will censor) ed, would turn into my beautiful handsome prince. And almost instantaneously my heart would be lifted, all wounds would be healed. My glass slippers, of course would be red, but they would stay on my feet regardless of how many line dances I had previously performed! Oh, and my fairy Godmother would be there to wave her magical wand, causing all of that pain and despair to, **POOF**, disappear!










***REALITY...

13 hours into the day, I have still had 2 panic attacks. I still have some of the pain - and the memories are being held by ed, who I have recently discovered or acknowledge, has found a very comfortable compartment in the back of my sub-conscious in which to live. Ed is perched there, throwing brick after brick at these window panes that lead into my subconscious. It's funny, with how smart he claims to be, he doesn't even realize that those panes are now 3 windows thick (1 for each year of recovery!) and there is no way he will be busting through them all. But still, he will try, day in and day out, to toss these bricks and attempt to break through back into my conscious mind, where his voice tends to get a little louder, and much more convincing. However, I know for sure, he will never completely break back into my conscious mind. He may make a few dents, he may even shatter one or two panes when I am at my most vulnerable point...I have come to realize that he may always be there. But, more and more dust will continue to accumulate on and around him, slowly suffocating him, my window panes getting thicker and stronger with each passing year causing those bricks to simply bounce off my window pane and smack ed in the face...but I seriously doubt he will ever completely surrender. Another thing I know for sure is how sneaky and shady ed can be. He is an amazing liar. He can tell you your life is going straight to hell, and seriously, you can't wait for the ride. His commentary is soothing, his voice firm yet powerful...something many girls seek in a man. Plus, ed makes sure he is ALWAYS available...even when you don't call on him. He is ever present and he will step in at that exact moment when you are at your breaking point.

Ed is relentless and not easily offended. He will attempt to come back time after time, regardless of all the various ways you tried writing him off the first time. He gets over those hurtful words quickly and only uses them to fuel his fire and convince us we are wrong. If we believe we are wrong, we then feel weak. Once you feel weak, you are fair game for ed so watch your back!


Now...I do not bring up these points to scare or deter anyone from the purpose of my writing. I try to keep it as REAL as I possibly can. If I had stepped into treatment 3 years ago and my therapist said, hey, in about 6 months, life will be back to normal...right now, I would probably be hunting her down looking for some sort of explanation. Many sufferers, in treatment or not, still struggle with separating themselves from ed and his games. That was me..."No one shoved my fingers down my throat, this is MY responsibility, what is wrong with ME?!?" But that is NOT the point! The point is that there was some sort of traumatic incident that perpetuated, over time, a lack of self esteem. It perpetuated a lack of belief in self and a lack of self worth. That pain is beyond any pain that can ever fully be put into words, but just know, it is living a hell all it's own and is extremely difficult to overcome.

I am in strong recovery, 3 years later, because I worked w/a therapist that was real with me. She let me know this was a process. This was going to take time. She let me know it would be painful and never did "sugarcoat" a thing. And I would not have wished it any other way. To have some idea of what to expect over the years of recovery, helped me put things in perspective when I was completely lost. And, even still, with the painful memories, with the stresses of life, and a few traumatic experiences, I realize that I am exactly where I am supposed to be on my road to recovery.

Sarah's Philosophy

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined."
~ Henry David Thoreau

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens. "
~ Kahlil Gibran

"I don’t think of all the misery, but of all the beauty that still remains."
~ Anne Frank

Allow Yourself To Be FREED!!!

As I commented on Red's blog, I came to some more conclusions that I need to share. Red is struggling with letting go of some of her past. Because as awful and painful as those situations have been, they still have been instrumental in making her the amazing person she is today. (And she really is amazing!)

So...keeping that in mind, I am setting a new challenge for myself. From now own, I will not allow my past experiences to confine me. I will not be ruled by the guilt and shame that we all, as humans, experience in our lives. I will not allow those painful memories to bog me down, play mind games with me, or cause me to doubt myself.

I WILL, however, allow myself to be FREED by those experiences! This may sound like an extremely cheesy analogy...but bear with me for just a few! As I am sitting here typing, the carpet in our home is being cleaned. 2 men have been here for 3 hours slaving away at making our creamish-beigish carpet look like new. Just 4 hours ago, there were a few black marks, a few spots where children have spilled juice, a spot from where I spilled my precious Diet Coke (oops!) and the signs of carpet that has been trampled on, day in and day out, for the past 6 months. Hmmmm... months of wear and tear has been virtually erased within a matter of hours. This carpet's past is gone! Right now there are large fans blowing a new, fresh air onto the carpets so they can dry completely in their renewed state.

I believe the same goes for us human beings walking around, day in and day out, being trampled on, possibly trampling on others (intentional or not), soul's stained by the rigors of everyday life. The difference is that we have emotions, thoughts, and the ability to learn and grow. I have to backtrack a little because there is one stain that is not completely gone (the Diet Coke one...it can be brutal on carpet!). But the stain has definitely faded. That stain will always be there, reminding me not to have Diet Coke in arm's length of a rambunctious 2 year old! It is there reminding me of a mistake I ONCE made, but will never make again.

As humans, we never fully rid ourselves of the stains that represent life's experiences. But over time, those stains fade, those memories turn to gray. They don't have to completely hold us down or prevent us from moving on. We are not "ruined" because we made some mistakes. In fact, those mistakes are what help us progress to becoming more perfect beings. But it will take much longer than this lifetime to reach a state of perfection!

So, just remember, it is not our actions that define us. The mistakes we make do not make us who we are. They teach us the lessons necessary to become the person Heavenly Father always knew we could be. If only we could have that same faith in ourselves, we could constantly see the amazing people we are, even in a flawed and imperfect state. It takes time to heal from the past, but it is very possible and must be done on your own timeline to ensure you have learned the lesson intended for you to learn.

So good luck...keep your head up! Instead of living in a state of self-induced confinement, allow yourself to be FREED!!!

***They are GONE***

Three years ago, I was in treatment trying to let go of my issues with myself, my body and my detrimental coping skills. One day in group we decided to have a "burning". We were all going to burn something that we wanted to truly get rid of, once and for all. For me, it was the diet pills. I wanted to be rid of them and the awful effects they had not only on my body, but my mind as well. It was the hardest day I experienced while in treatment, but also became the turning point. As I watched the smoke rise and slowly disappear, through my tears, I knew I could beat this. My therapist came up to me and hugged me and all she said was, "They are gone, Sarah. They are gone." That was all I needed to hear to fully let them go.

Now, three years later, in strong recovery, I have finally let go of the last painful part of that experience. My extremely supportive and loving friends were there with me as I burned my painful journals that very descriptively and painfully documented my journey through the worst time of my life.

Beth and I loaded my car and headed up to Salt Lake where I met up with a friend that I was in treatment with. We caught up on old times, laughed and shared. And then the real work began. As my friend and I read through my journals one night, I felt as if I was completely re-living my hellish past. I could feel the tug in my throat as I read about a purging session, I could feel the tightness in my chest as the anxiety rose, palms sweaty and heart racing all at the same time. It was very surreal, and I even laughed at quite a few entries wondering if I was really reading MY journals. Thankfully there are many aspects of that point in my life that I hardly remember. Others are still painfully close to the surface. But, for the most part, going through those journals and feeling that pain gave me the confirmation I needed that burning them was the right thing to do.

The next morning Beth, BJ and I all got in my car and headed up the canyon. During the drive, I became overwhelmed with feelings of shame and regret as those memories continuously flooded my mind. I felt guilty that my friends were having to take time out of their day to come with me and embark on this journey of closure that I was seeking. I know that was ed attempting to nudge himself back in one last time...trying to deter me at the last minute and change my mind. Luckily that did not happen. It was freezing cold up the canyon and the wind was blowing pretty good so it took a few tries to get the fire started. But once it was flaming strong, there was no turning back.

Initially I was fairly somber. I wasn't exactly sure what to feel. Mostly, I was cold! I was trying so hard to ignore my bluish-purple fingers and focus on the fire. Once we had 2 or 3 journals in the fire, it finally started giving us some heat, and I was able to warm up. Suddenly I got very excited! I was hyper almost, loving the sight of those painful words turning to ashes as the smoke floated away.

At one point, one of my journals fell open as I tossed it into the fire. I can not fully explain the relief I felt as I watched the words on the pages literally go up in flames and disappear for good. I guess you could say it was very "cleansing" for me as I came to realize that those words would be gone forever. There is no pieceing together the ashes that were left in the fire pit. Although very freeing, that was also my lowest point of the burning. The tears began flowing and there was no stopping them. I felt safe with my supportive friends, so allowed the tears and the pain to completely flood my heart and mind. Without the pain, I would not gain the closure I am in such a desperate search for.

I am so grateful for the difficult experiences I have gone through in my life. I am grateful for the pain that has completely bogged me down this year, and the lessons I have learned while going through the pain. I wanted this year to be real. I wanted to allow myself to feel the pain, hopefully one last time, so that in future years this milestone will truly become a celebration of my new life and the strides I have made since letting go of my eating disorder. It was a part of my life, on and off, for 14 years. I made the choice to let go of that part of my life, and as far as I am concerned, there is no turning back. I took what I needed from those experiences, held onto the good, gained closure on the bad, and continue to learn more about myself and grow each and everyday.

There truly is joy to be found in the journey. Although I look forward to October 25th and the true celebration that I will participate in, the weeks leading up to that day have been more painful then I ever could have imagined. However, I am also seeing that life goes on. Work is always there, there is always homework and studying to be done, and I need to acknowledge that. I so look forward to my future. I look forward to the genuine happiness I have found in discovering the true, real Sarah.

I can't end this without acknowleding those that have been so instrumental on this amazing journey for me. Of course, my parents and family have always been so loving and helped me keep my focus on what is most important in life. I have worked with many great doctors and therapists along the way...mainly Bobbi, Susan and Beverly. I have made many new friends on my journey, and I am a true believer in the fact that people cross our paths for specific reasons. There are too many to mention, but you know who you are, and I truly hope you know how much your support and unconditional love has meant for me.

Although I am allowing myself 10 more days to fully process this situation and the experiences of my past, I can not wait until I am able to reach out to others. For my own sanity, I have to concentrate on keeping myself in check and must set my boundaries. But, no worries, I will be back and better then ever in no time! Hopefully I will be able to reach out and turn my own life experiences into a source of strength for others that may be struggling. I know I didn't go through such a hellish experience for my own sake. I know I have a duty to reach out and share my experiences. Just know this is only the beginning!

Beautiful, Yet Rough Time Of Year...

This time of year is always difficult for me. I absolutely LOVE Fall and Halloween and the change in weather, etc. However, it was also three years ago that I was going through the absolute hardest time of my life. I was having this discussion with friends the other night, friends that have gone through tough and dramatic situations, and asked them how they deal with the "anniversary" of such events.

It got me thinking that I really need to turn this time of year into a celebration. Instead of those memories bogging me down and becoming possible triggers for me, I need to look at this time of year as literally when I "turned over a new leaf"! An orange one at that...since I especially love the colors this time of year!

I want to escape...I want to go see someone I met exactly 3 years ago, who has become a lifelong friend in Salt Lake. I want to go visit a friend in Idaho that has known me since I was 13 years old...and still loves and accepts me! I want to actually go back to Tennessee (even though I hated living there) and visit someone that also became a very close friend. I want to go to Maine and visit my sister in her new mansion 2 minutes from the beach. I want to go to Manhattan and see a broadway...on Broadway.

But on the other hand, I want to go on with my life, crazy as it is right now. I don't want to make this time of year into something big because I want those memories to eventually fade to black. I only want to remember one day...the day I graduated and started my REAL recovery and that was October 25, 2005. THAT is a day to celebrate. A day to commemorate and a day to always remember. But the 8 weeks prior...no....I want to let them go. I am tired of feeling the pain of those 8 weeks. I am tired of feeling the shame and fear, the pressure and confusion, the fatigue and anger of facing an eating disorder head on. As each year passes, the memories do begin to gray, but I want that to happen now! Yes, of course I had breakthrough days, "aha" moments, and great things that happened in treatment. But at the same time, none of those were fully realized or implemented until I graduated and moved on with my life.

SO, here I am, 3 weeks out from that one day that I truly look forward to, and I find myself feeling bogged down again by those memories. I realize I have the power to change that. I realize it is up to me to decide to completely let go of that past. But for whatever reason, I haven't quite figured out how to do that! Maybe this will be my year. Maybe 3 weeks from now I will finally be able to let go of my journals from that painful time. I have always considered a bonfire out in the mountains somewhere, simply because it is such a symbolic thing to participate in. As the smoke rises and disappears, so does the pain and the fear and the shame. I guess I have a lot of thinking to do over the next 3 weeks, in the hopes that this will be the year!

Until then, I will do my best to be happy each day. To find the joy in the journey, to be grateful for my health and well-being. I will find the brighter side of the leaf each and everyday, and continue to progress along my path in life, hopefully surrounded by friends and family, with the help and guidance of my Savior, having learned the lessons fully intended for ME to learn on MY path in this life.