Downtime...

So, as of 4 days ago, I am DONE with Fall semester! However, today has been the first day that I have actually had a break to just be lazy. I have to admit, now that every piece of clothing I own is clean AND put away or hung up (I know...it's a miracle!), I am a little bored! I have a whole month off of school before student teaching starts and I am just hoping that the boredom doesn't last. I mean, in a few weeks Christmas will be here and I will be with lots of friends and fam up in Utah. But until then, I hope I can learn to enjoy the downtime and just relax!

It's funny, when I am the midst of a busy semester and stressed to my limits, I beg and pray for some downtime. I like to call them "lazy days" where I can just chill, maybe watch movies all day, blog, work on my book, whateva! But now that I have that, I am drawing blanks! It seems my mind works best when I have a lot going on. See, I am a 100% self-professed procrastinator. Ask anyone that knows me well...they will tell you I leave most everything until the last minute! If I attempt to start a school project a week or even just a few days ahead of time, I can NOT focus! I find so many other things to do. But when I know something is due the next day, or even in just a few hours, I can pump out a 5-page essay in no time. And yes, it's quality work, or else I wouldn't be on the Dean's Honors List with straight A's!

So the question becomes...what to do?!? Do I force myself to enjoy the downtime? Do I fill my nights with more dancing to brush up on my skills? Do I pick up a new hobby in the next 3 weeks? Though, I don't really like the idea of a new hobby in 3 weeks because I probably won't get very far! Not that I don't like to learn new things, but the thing I really don't like is starting something I never get around to finishing. I think I will do some dancing..."Nobody puts Baby in a corner," right?!?

Anyways...I guess I need to find that balance in life again. I need to work at being happy with downtime and accepting it for what it is...a chance to replenish myself, my mind, and my sleep! But I don't want to become a lazy bum just sitting around the whole time either. As nervous as I am, I absolutely can not wait to start my student teaching! And, really, this next month will fly by with the holidays before I know it.

So...here's to downtime...here's to actually having time for yourself to get things in check and enjoying life day in and day out. I can actually catch up on my shows or go dancing on a whim without feeling guilty about having some paper to write or lesson plan to prepare! Woohoo! That's a great feeling!

Thanksgiving Without My Family...

So this year for Thanksgiving my family is going to be spread out pretty much everywhere! My parents just left today for Maine. They get to spend the holiday with Kate and her family, as well as visit with my dad's family. My other sister will be with friends, while Josh is staying home in Michigan. Don will be heading to California with his family and Crockett will be down here in Vegas. And then there is me...heading to Utah to spend Thanksgiving with my close friend, celebrating what they call a "Texas Thanksgiving" complete with a deep fried turkey and chili!

As excited as I am to be with friends and enjoy the holiday, I am realizing I will really miss my family. I don't like us being spread so far apart, and I don't remember any holiday that I have spent without some sort of family. Initially, I was excited...relaxing at my friend's house, enjoying the holiday without any familial obligations. I have joked around about having no schedules to follow, no appointments to meet. But now I am not so sure! I am already missing my parents, as I just got off the phone with them since they just off the plane. They were in Kate's car driving back to her house to see my Lexi, Livi and Maddie. It's an interesting feeling to be homesick while still at home! But that's exactly what I would call it.

As crazy busy and chaotic as our family get-togethers tend to get it, I think that is what I love most about them! It will be an adjustment to have a cozy Thanksgiving dinner with only 5 people.

My family is the best on the entire planet. I am the baby of 6 children and have a great connection with every single one of my siblings and their spouses, and all of my nieces and nephews. Sure, we have our typical disagreements or arguments, but as we grown older, those stupid little disagreements mean absolutely nothing in the scheme of things and hold less and less importance. Just the other day my brother and I were having a great little texting banter back and forth about the BYU - Utah football game. We cheer for different teams and love giving each other a hard time, but in the end, it's all in good fun.

Just last week I paid for my graduation and found out the specific date. I immediately texted all my siblings to let them know the date, and all but one will be here! It brought tears to my eyes as I received responses from them about how they will definitely save the date and be there to support me on my special day that has been a LONG time coming. I realized how supportive and loving my family has been through my entire college career. It may have taken me longer than others, but the point is that I am getting there and it IS going to actually happen! It was the cutest thing when Hannah, my 11 year old niece, asked me if I would be walking at graduation to get my diploma. When I told her I absolutely would be, she asked if she could come. It was the cutest thing ever! It would make my graduation to have my little nieces there for support.

I get more and more excited for Christmas this year where I will at least get to be with 3 of my 5 siblings and their families. We will get to open presents together, enjoy the snow and sledding for a few days, and fully get into the spirit of what Christmas is truly about. Throughout my life my family has been nothing but loving and supportive of me and I know that back-up strength is what has helped me through. Sometimes I get excited when my parents leave town for 3 or 4 days. But this time they will be gone for 10 days and I'm thinking it's going to get a little lonely. Sure, some look at me as a sad little 29 year old still living off her parents. But I aboslutely can NOT complain! My parents and I have an amazing relationship. We have learned to set boundaries with each other so I still have my life, but I have gotten used to coming home and having discussions with my parents about class or tests or grades I have received.

My parents are the most amazing, inspiring people ever. Next year they will be celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary and we will have a very large celebration for them and their life. They only get cuter with age...in my opinion a very distinguished and accomplished couple. They are constantly working at having a stronger marriage and love spending time with each other. It's so comforting for me to watch them and see the strength in their marriage, but yet also being able to distinguish their separate personalities. If there is any truth to the saying, "opposites attract", my parents should become the poster couple! But the ways in which they compliment each other are so successful and productive and now they spend their time making sure to travel the country as often as possible to spend quality time with their children and grandchildren.

So, as much fun as I will have in Utah with friends, I will also terribly miss my family. I will miss every single one of them! Hopefully I will get to see a few siblings in passing, but we will not be together on the actual day of Thanksgiving. As I watch the pictures flash by on the digital picture frame, I am reminded of family get-togethers in the past and long for those reunions once again. They say friends come and go, but family is always there. My family is ALWAYS there! No matter what the issue may be, I know I have at least one sibling to call on to help with the situation.

Here's to my family...HAPPY THANKSGIVING to all of you! I will miss you all terribly, but will think of you and hope that where ever you may be, you are having an enjoyable and safe Thanksgiving! I LOVE YOU ALL!!!

Clarification...

***I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE CLEAR ABOUT MY RECOVERY THAN I AM RIGHT NOW***

I feel the need to clarify a few things on my blog and the newsletter. I have received some feedback lately in terms of me relapsing or making some bad decisions over the past few months. However, things have been grossly misunderstood!
Let me be extremely clear about one thing...I am not, have not, nor will I ever relapse! I have gone through some stressful times. Stress is a part of life. The key lies in how we respond to that stress. I am not a stress eater. I tend to completely lose my appetite and must remind myself to eat when I am under a heavy load of stress.
I have made a few comments recently about loving my saltines, losing some weight, and dealing with the stress. However, I have also made some comments in my blog and newsletter about the reality of the recovery process...because it is just that...a PROCESS! Just because I have a bad day, or even a bad month, and my eating is not completely up to par does not mean I am relapsing. I am VERY aware that my intake is down. Which is why I cling to my saltines. I will not force myself to eat large meals if my stomach is telling me it can't handle it. I am not underweight, ill, gaunt looking or pale. I am far from it.
I am simply dealing with the stress as it comes. If anyone that is reading this is attempting to fight an eating disorder and get to recovery, realize this is a process! Realize this is not an alarming situation, rather another step on my journey to recovery. I have referred to ed throwing bricks at my window panes, and right now he is doing just that. But guess what? I KNOW HE IS DOING IT! I am not hiding from it, trying to avoid it, or stuff the feelings that are there. I am facing them. But it will not change overnight.
I can accept that this is a temporary situation. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and know that as long as I keep myself in check, I will be able to keep ed back there in my subconscious. I can already assure you he is tiring out, and quickly at that. His voice is getting more and more distant as each day passes and I work through my emotional stress. And as I work through another layer of stress, I am able to add more intake to my diet. I do not thrive off of my weight loss. I am not addicted to checking the scale every day to see if I lost more. I do not purposefully avoid meals or hunger pains...if I were, then that would be a problem and definitely considered a relapse.
Rather, I am aware that my weight has dropped and am working on finding a balance. I do not get a high when my doctor mentions I have lost weight, it simply serves as a reminder for me to continue fighting. I do not avoid my hunger pains...when my body speaks to me through groans in my stomach, I listen and feed it as much as it will accept.
I am human. I do not pretend to be perfect on my road to recovery and am grateful that I am not still obsessed with perfection. I can accept that there will be one or two set backs...and I look forward to those set backs. Because when I fight through them, learn something new about myself, learn a new lesson in life, then I have succeeded once again! And I WILL continue to succeed on this road to recovery. I will continue to fight and will never lie about my struggles. They are real. They are there and I will not ignore an opportunity to gain more wisdom, an opportunity to get to know myself better than ed does, and an opportunity to push ed further back into my subconscious. THAT is real recovery and THAT is what I will forever fight for.

Reality Bites...(sometimes!)

*** This is the bracelet for Eating Disorder Awareness...someday I will get myself one!

It is now 1pm...13 hours after I expected my life to completely change. 13 hours after I assumed a specific date and strike of the minute-hand would somehow transform my life into the perfect scene - that scene where I am part of the "Jones" family. Ya know, the fmaily that everyone is envious of. Maybe I could be Marsha Jones that everybody liked (course, we all know that didn't turn out so well for her!) Or perhaps I could be Cindy Jones...it fits...with the blonde curly hair (I was quite blonde as a child). Either way, it wasn't the material possessions that the "Jones" apparently possessed that I was after. No...It was that persona, complete with perma-grin and a demeanor of what looked like perfect, genuine happiness and constant joy. Oh...how appealing that was to me! And, quite naively, I had this whole fairytale scenario in my head; I would become a REVERSE Cinderella! When that clock struck midnight, the ugly frog (I could use other, more choice words here, but I will censor) ed, would turn into my beautiful handsome prince. And almost instantaneously my heart would be lifted, all wounds would be healed. My glass slippers, of course would be red, but they would stay on my feet regardless of how many line dances I had previously performed! Oh, and my fairy Godmother would be there to wave her magical wand, causing all of that pain and despair to, **POOF**, disappear!










***REALITY...

13 hours into the day, I have still had 2 panic attacks. I still have some of the pain - and the memories are being held by ed, who I have recently discovered or acknowledge, has found a very comfortable compartment in the back of my sub-conscious in which to live. Ed is perched there, throwing brick after brick at these window panes that lead into my subconscious. It's funny, with how smart he claims to be, he doesn't even realize that those panes are now 3 windows thick (1 for each year of recovery!) and there is no way he will be busting through them all. But still, he will try, day in and day out, to toss these bricks and attempt to break through back into my conscious mind, where his voice tends to get a little louder, and much more convincing. However, I know for sure, he will never completely break back into my conscious mind. He may make a few dents, he may even shatter one or two panes when I am at my most vulnerable point...I have come to realize that he may always be there. But, more and more dust will continue to accumulate on and around him, slowly suffocating him, my window panes getting thicker and stronger with each passing year causing those bricks to simply bounce off my window pane and smack ed in the face...but I seriously doubt he will ever completely surrender. Another thing I know for sure is how sneaky and shady ed can be. He is an amazing liar. He can tell you your life is going straight to hell, and seriously, you can't wait for the ride. His commentary is soothing, his voice firm yet powerful...something many girls seek in a man. Plus, ed makes sure he is ALWAYS available...even when you don't call on him. He is ever present and he will step in at that exact moment when you are at your breaking point.

Ed is relentless and not easily offended. He will attempt to come back time after time, regardless of all the various ways you tried writing him off the first time. He gets over those hurtful words quickly and only uses them to fuel his fire and convince us we are wrong. If we believe we are wrong, we then feel weak. Once you feel weak, you are fair game for ed so watch your back!


Now...I do not bring up these points to scare or deter anyone from the purpose of my writing. I try to keep it as REAL as I possibly can. If I had stepped into treatment 3 years ago and my therapist said, hey, in about 6 months, life will be back to normal...right now, I would probably be hunting her down looking for some sort of explanation. Many sufferers, in treatment or not, still struggle with separating themselves from ed and his games. That was me..."No one shoved my fingers down my throat, this is MY responsibility, what is wrong with ME?!?" But that is NOT the point! The point is that there was some sort of traumatic incident that perpetuated, over time, a lack of self esteem. It perpetuated a lack of belief in self and a lack of self worth. That pain is beyond any pain that can ever fully be put into words, but just know, it is living a hell all it's own and is extremely difficult to overcome.

I am in strong recovery, 3 years later, because I worked w/a therapist that was real with me. She let me know this was a process. This was going to take time. She let me know it would be painful and never did "sugarcoat" a thing. And I would not have wished it any other way. To have some idea of what to expect over the years of recovery, helped me put things in perspective when I was completely lost. And, even still, with the painful memories, with the stresses of life, and a few traumatic experiences, I realize that I am exactly where I am supposed to be on my road to recovery.

Sarah's Philosophy

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined."
~ Henry David Thoreau

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens. "
~ Kahlil Gibran

"I don’t think of all the misery, but of all the beauty that still remains."
~ Anne Frank

Allow Yourself To Be FREED!!!

As I commented on Red's blog, I came to some more conclusions that I need to share. Red is struggling with letting go of some of her past. Because as awful and painful as those situations have been, they still have been instrumental in making her the amazing person she is today. (And she really is amazing!)

So...keeping that in mind, I am setting a new challenge for myself. From now own, I will not allow my past experiences to confine me. I will not be ruled by the guilt and shame that we all, as humans, experience in our lives. I will not allow those painful memories to bog me down, play mind games with me, or cause me to doubt myself.

I WILL, however, allow myself to be FREED by those experiences! This may sound like an extremely cheesy analogy...but bear with me for just a few! As I am sitting here typing, the carpet in our home is being cleaned. 2 men have been here for 3 hours slaving away at making our creamish-beigish carpet look like new. Just 4 hours ago, there were a few black marks, a few spots where children have spilled juice, a spot from where I spilled my precious Diet Coke (oops!) and the signs of carpet that has been trampled on, day in and day out, for the past 6 months. Hmmmm... months of wear and tear has been virtually erased within a matter of hours. This carpet's past is gone! Right now there are large fans blowing a new, fresh air onto the carpets so they can dry completely in their renewed state.

I believe the same goes for us human beings walking around, day in and day out, being trampled on, possibly trampling on others (intentional or not), soul's stained by the rigors of everyday life. The difference is that we have emotions, thoughts, and the ability to learn and grow. I have to backtrack a little because there is one stain that is not completely gone (the Diet Coke one...it can be brutal on carpet!). But the stain has definitely faded. That stain will always be there, reminding me not to have Diet Coke in arm's length of a rambunctious 2 year old! It is there reminding me of a mistake I ONCE made, but will never make again.

As humans, we never fully rid ourselves of the stains that represent life's experiences. But over time, those stains fade, those memories turn to gray. They don't have to completely hold us down or prevent us from moving on. We are not "ruined" because we made some mistakes. In fact, those mistakes are what help us progress to becoming more perfect beings. But it will take much longer than this lifetime to reach a state of perfection!

So, just remember, it is not our actions that define us. The mistakes we make do not make us who we are. They teach us the lessons necessary to become the person Heavenly Father always knew we could be. If only we could have that same faith in ourselves, we could constantly see the amazing people we are, even in a flawed and imperfect state. It takes time to heal from the past, but it is very possible and must be done on your own timeline to ensure you have learned the lesson intended for you to learn.

So good luck...keep your head up! Instead of living in a state of self-induced confinement, allow yourself to be FREED!!!

***They are GONE***

Three years ago, I was in treatment trying to let go of my issues with myself, my body and my detrimental coping skills. One day in group we decided to have a "burning". We were all going to burn something that we wanted to truly get rid of, once and for all. For me, it was the diet pills. I wanted to be rid of them and the awful effects they had not only on my body, but my mind as well. It was the hardest day I experienced while in treatment, but also became the turning point. As I watched the smoke rise and slowly disappear, through my tears, I knew I could beat this. My therapist came up to me and hugged me and all she said was, "They are gone, Sarah. They are gone." That was all I needed to hear to fully let them go.

Now, three years later, in strong recovery, I have finally let go of the last painful part of that experience. My extremely supportive and loving friends were there with me as I burned my painful journals that very descriptively and painfully documented my journey through the worst time of my life.

Beth and I loaded my car and headed up to Salt Lake where I met up with a friend that I was in treatment with. We caught up on old times, laughed and shared. And then the real work began. As my friend and I read through my journals one night, I felt as if I was completely re-living my hellish past. I could feel the tug in my throat as I read about a purging session, I could feel the tightness in my chest as the anxiety rose, palms sweaty and heart racing all at the same time. It was very surreal, and I even laughed at quite a few entries wondering if I was really reading MY journals. Thankfully there are many aspects of that point in my life that I hardly remember. Others are still painfully close to the surface. But, for the most part, going through those journals and feeling that pain gave me the confirmation I needed that burning them was the right thing to do.

The next morning Beth, BJ and I all got in my car and headed up the canyon. During the drive, I became overwhelmed with feelings of shame and regret as those memories continuously flooded my mind. I felt guilty that my friends were having to take time out of their day to come with me and embark on this journey of closure that I was seeking. I know that was ed attempting to nudge himself back in one last time...trying to deter me at the last minute and change my mind. Luckily that did not happen. It was freezing cold up the canyon and the wind was blowing pretty good so it took a few tries to get the fire started. But once it was flaming strong, there was no turning back.

Initially I was fairly somber. I wasn't exactly sure what to feel. Mostly, I was cold! I was trying so hard to ignore my bluish-purple fingers and focus on the fire. Once we had 2 or 3 journals in the fire, it finally started giving us some heat, and I was able to warm up. Suddenly I got very excited! I was hyper almost, loving the sight of those painful words turning to ashes as the smoke floated away.

At one point, one of my journals fell open as I tossed it into the fire. I can not fully explain the relief I felt as I watched the words on the pages literally go up in flames and disappear for good. I guess you could say it was very "cleansing" for me as I came to realize that those words would be gone forever. There is no pieceing together the ashes that were left in the fire pit. Although very freeing, that was also my lowest point of the burning. The tears began flowing and there was no stopping them. I felt safe with my supportive friends, so allowed the tears and the pain to completely flood my heart and mind. Without the pain, I would not gain the closure I am in such a desperate search for.

I am so grateful for the difficult experiences I have gone through in my life. I am grateful for the pain that has completely bogged me down this year, and the lessons I have learned while going through the pain. I wanted this year to be real. I wanted to allow myself to feel the pain, hopefully one last time, so that in future years this milestone will truly become a celebration of my new life and the strides I have made since letting go of my eating disorder. It was a part of my life, on and off, for 14 years. I made the choice to let go of that part of my life, and as far as I am concerned, there is no turning back. I took what I needed from those experiences, held onto the good, gained closure on the bad, and continue to learn more about myself and grow each and everyday.

There truly is joy to be found in the journey. Although I look forward to October 25th and the true celebration that I will participate in, the weeks leading up to that day have been more painful then I ever could have imagined. However, I am also seeing that life goes on. Work is always there, there is always homework and studying to be done, and I need to acknowledge that. I so look forward to my future. I look forward to the genuine happiness I have found in discovering the true, real Sarah.

I can't end this without acknowleding those that have been so instrumental on this amazing journey for me. Of course, my parents and family have always been so loving and helped me keep my focus on what is most important in life. I have worked with many great doctors and therapists along the way...mainly Bobbi, Susan and Beverly. I have made many new friends on my journey, and I am a true believer in the fact that people cross our paths for specific reasons. There are too many to mention, but you know who you are, and I truly hope you know how much your support and unconditional love has meant for me.

Although I am allowing myself 10 more days to fully process this situation and the experiences of my past, I can not wait until I am able to reach out to others. For my own sanity, I have to concentrate on keeping myself in check and must set my boundaries. But, no worries, I will be back and better then ever in no time! Hopefully I will be able to reach out and turn my own life experiences into a source of strength for others that may be struggling. I know I didn't go through such a hellish experience for my own sake. I know I have a duty to reach out and share my experiences. Just know this is only the beginning!

Beautiful, Yet Rough Time Of Year...

This time of year is always difficult for me. I absolutely LOVE Fall and Halloween and the change in weather, etc. However, it was also three years ago that I was going through the absolute hardest time of my life. I was having this discussion with friends the other night, friends that have gone through tough and dramatic situations, and asked them how they deal with the "anniversary" of such events.

It got me thinking that I really need to turn this time of year into a celebration. Instead of those memories bogging me down and becoming possible triggers for me, I need to look at this time of year as literally when I "turned over a new leaf"! An orange one at that...since I especially love the colors this time of year!

I want to escape...I want to go see someone I met exactly 3 years ago, who has become a lifelong friend in Salt Lake. I want to go visit a friend in Idaho that has known me since I was 13 years old...and still loves and accepts me! I want to actually go back to Tennessee (even though I hated living there) and visit someone that also became a very close friend. I want to go to Maine and visit my sister in her new mansion 2 minutes from the beach. I want to go to Manhattan and see a broadway...on Broadway.

But on the other hand, I want to go on with my life, crazy as it is right now. I don't want to make this time of year into something big because I want those memories to eventually fade to black. I only want to remember one day...the day I graduated and started my REAL recovery and that was October 25, 2005. THAT is a day to celebrate. A day to commemorate and a day to always remember. But the 8 weeks prior...no....I want to let them go. I am tired of feeling the pain of those 8 weeks. I am tired of feeling the shame and fear, the pressure and confusion, the fatigue and anger of facing an eating disorder head on. As each year passes, the memories do begin to gray, but I want that to happen now! Yes, of course I had breakthrough days, "aha" moments, and great things that happened in treatment. But at the same time, none of those were fully realized or implemented until I graduated and moved on with my life.

SO, here I am, 3 weeks out from that one day that I truly look forward to, and I find myself feeling bogged down again by those memories. I realize I have the power to change that. I realize it is up to me to decide to completely let go of that past. But for whatever reason, I haven't quite figured out how to do that! Maybe this will be my year. Maybe 3 weeks from now I will finally be able to let go of my journals from that painful time. I have always considered a bonfire out in the mountains somewhere, simply because it is such a symbolic thing to participate in. As the smoke rises and disappears, so does the pain and the fear and the shame. I guess I have a lot of thinking to do over the next 3 weeks, in the hopes that this will be the year!

Until then, I will do my best to be happy each day. To find the joy in the journey, to be grateful for my health and well-being. I will find the brighter side of the leaf each and everyday, and continue to progress along my path in life, hopefully surrounded by friends and family, with the help and guidance of my Savior, having learned the lessons fully intended for ME to learn on MY path in this life.

Speed Bumps...

Life should be happy. Life should be filled with joy and excitement and ambition and fun. Of course God has to throw in a few speed bumps here and there to make us more appreciative of the good times, but I think the key is how we choose to respond to those speed bumps. Do you come to a complete stop prior to the speed bump, trying to anticipate how hard it may or may not be to get over? Do you stand there analyzing the dynamics of the speed bump and think of ways to get around it? Speaking of getting around a speed bump...have you ever tried that? I certainly have, and although I still make it around ok, have you ever thought about where you end up? IN THE GUTTER!!!
Do you get half way over the speed bump and then stop in terror, in a holding pattern, trying to balance your tires so you don't fall either way? Do you pound the gas pedal and fly over the bump, laughing at the fun ride, just hoping you didn't bottom out? Or do you cautiously tap your breaks, take it nice and easy, and make it to the other side ready to push on???.....
I'm sure we all have experienced various ways of getting over or around a speed bump and have found what works best. I typically either tap my breaks and get over it cautiously but safely, or try to go around it, end up hitting the gutter, and splash my car with muddy water.
Metaphorically speaking, I used to keep myself in a holding pattern, dead-center in the middle of the bump, afraid of the consequence on either side. Maybe it was holding a grudge. Maybe it was refusing to tell someone if they did or said something that offended me. Maybe it was assuming all the wrong things and becoming WAY too sensitive over a situation. No matter what it was that was holding me hostage, it was a choice I made to keep me stuck.
I no longer want to be stuck. Certain situations call for cautious exploration of what lies ahead. It's good to be prepared for things that are sometimes foreseeable. Sometimes that dirt that splashed on me from going around a situation was much less damaging then going straight through the middle of it. And sometimes, just for the thrill of it, I sped right through a situation, but missed the lesson at hand.

At this point in my life, though, I refuse to waste anymore time contemplating on what to do. Mistakes WILL be made. Feelings WILL be hurt and misunderstandings WILL take place. However, those that know me (and I mean TRULY know me), realize that I would never purposefully do anything to offend or hurt someone else. I am not a mind reader and I don't pretend to be, nor do I want to be! I do what I feel is right most of the time. On those occasions when I am just having a bad day, again, my friends know that is all it is and have learned not to take things personally. We all have busy lives. And hopefully those busy lives are filled with purpose and love and people that will slap you and say, "Hey, Sarah, quit being such a little brat and snap out of it!" The person that won't say that to me is the person that is not a true friend.
So...make time in your life for people that bring genuine happiness and add QUALITY and REALNESS to your life! Anything else is a waste of time and energy. This life is a fast, short ride. Make the best of it! Be REAL about it...for the sake of others and especially for your OWN sake!

***IT'S OVER!!!***

So...I do believe that tonight has been the greatest night I have had basically all summer! As of 6:55 PM, I officially completed my summer semester! Actually, I was SO done at about 5:50 when the professor gave us a break, that I ducked out of class early! If you have read any of my blog, you know that this has, by far, been the absolute most difficult summer of my life! Taking 5 classes in the summer is basically insane, but I had to do it to keep myself on track...not because I was trying to be Superwoman!

It was quite interesting as I walked out of the building. Slowly, with each step, I felt the tension begin to unravel. I could almost see the stress seeping out of my flip-flops each time my foot hit the ground. Can you picture Forrest Gump...running free from his leg braces?!? Well, that was me, only my leg braces were a complete body cast, extra thick in the back and neck, made of stress and tension and frustration and fatigue. I had a whole montage of the Rocky theme song, Eye of the Tiger, and "Run, Sarah, Run!" going through my head! Something so insignificant and minimal to anyone else was a moment of complete and utter freedom, celebration and instant gratification like I have never before experienced. It was like the water bursting out of the fountains at the Belagio!

So, now, for the next TEN whole days, I get to breathe! I get to relax and have fun. I don't have to worry about homework, studying, attending class, posting for my online class, preparing lesson plans, etc. A friend of mine asked me what I plan to do with my week off and all I could come up with, initially, was NOTHING! I don't want to pack everyday with billions of things to do. Excluding a short road trip, or some quality time at the gym, I'm not sure I want to leave the house! There are certain people that I will absolutely make time for...and I look forward to that quality time without the stress of school always lingering in the back of my head. Either way, it's going to be a great week!

It's funny how external situations wreak so much havoc on our bodies. As I went to the O.D., he was slightly appalled as he had to crack 6 ribs back into place last week, and another 8 vertebrae back into place this week. No accidents, no phycial injury, no over-exercising to speak of...simply stressing over school has turned my muscles to rocks and literally knocked my back out of place. From now on, regardless of the level of stress, I'm going to do my best to listen to my body and recognize the effects of stress early on. It's just not worth it to continually ignore the signs that something is not quite right and keep pushing our bodies to limits that really aren't necessary. Had I kept tabs on my back, I could have started early on in the summer and gotten adjusted more often. However, because I put it off so long, there are knots the size of limes that will take a long time and lot of massage to ultimately work out.

But, at this point, I am just very grateful that I survived such a rigorous summer, that things turned out well, and I am able to regroup just in time for the Fall semester. It really is a blessing to have the opportunity to go to school and further my education, and is something I try not to take for granted. Even with all the stress and my complaining about that stress, I would never trade a moment of this experience for anything in the world! And it really is a blessing to have friends in life that care, and go to great efforts to show they care. In fact, just recently at the end of a very stressful day, I came home to find a huge boquet of pink and yellow roses, some of my favorite chocolate and candy, and of course a bottle of diet coke just waiting for me on my dresser. It was one of the sweetest things and most thoughtful things anyone has ever done for me! Definitely made my week and helped to lighten the load...just the knowledge that someone else recognized the difficult time and made an effort to reach out.

So, this marks the beginning of a nice 10-day vacation which I will enjoy to its fullest! Part of me is ready to relax, but a small part is ready to hit Fall semester and keep myself on the learning train for one more semester! I want to regroup, but also keep up the momentum!!! BRING IT ON!!!

Serenity Among The Clouds...

I recently found myself 35,000 feet above the ground on a plane, flying back home. I suddenly realized that being on a plane is one of my favorite places to be! Why?!? Because sitting there...chair reclined...Jack Johnson or Jason Mraz or Duffy pumping through my ipod...I am completely alone. Not to sound like a loner by any means, but there is a certain appeal to being alone, figuratively speaking. Realistically, I was surrounded by 150 strangers. However, the keyword in that sentence is "strangers"! That is what makes me alone.

When I am in the sky, there is not a soul in the world that can get ahold of me. It does not matter what kind of chaos is going on down below, I am completely immune. I happen to be a texting fiend. It does not matter what is going on...except for church, I am always texting. ALWAYS! In fact, when I am on the ground, I feel completely naked if I leave the house and forget my phone. It's basically sheer panic and I don't know what I will do. What if someone needs me? What if I have to call my girls to tell them about the major sale going on? It's just not cool. Unfortunately I am one that absolutely can NOT imagine life before cell phones!

So...here's the deal...when I am on a plane, 35,000 feet above the ground...I don't care that I don't have access to my phone. I don't panic. I don't freak out. I don't lose sleep! In fact, the serenity I feel is undeniable. Have you ever been on a plane, sat in the window seat, and actually took the time to look out the window?!? I mean SERIOUSLY looked out the window? Everytime I fly, I request the window seat. Peering through those tiny window panes, I am thoroughly awed and amazed at the never-ending sky. I can stare at it for hours, and my level of amazement only increases. There are only 2 things that can happen in a plane...the unthinkable can happen, and you can crash. OR...you can sit there being served and relaxing while literally floating above the clouds. There is nothing but piercing blue skies above and pure white clouds below. You are trapped between two levels of miraculous creations placed there specifically for you and me.

My thoughts are their clearest when I'm on a plane. There is nothing going on in the background to distract me. There is nothing that I can do besides relax and explore those thoughts. I can make no excuses...there is no laundry or cleaning to be done...there is no email to return...there are no voicemails to respond to. To me...THAT is pure serenity! I typically imagine bouncing on the clouds as if they were a huge trampoline. I try to picture the people in the cities below, wonder what they are doing and the stresses they are dealing with. Then we pass over land that has not been developed...the vast desert or mountain range...and again I am taken aback by the miraculous beauty. When I witness, with my very own eyes, the beauty of my surroundings, I am overwhelmed with love and gratitude. I realize that earth is a gift; airplanes are a gift; people are a gift and my life is a ginormous gift!

Wow...suddenly I am able to see the big picture and the little things quickly lose significance. That is an amazing feeling. Life is peaceful in the sky. I decided that although I have my serenity in the clouds, I never would be able to appreciate it without the struggles. ***LIVING...LOVING...DREAMING...HOPING***

That is how I want to live my life. To me, living means loving as well as losing. It means dreaming as well as having nightmares. It means hoping as well as being disappointed. Happy living is much more meaningful and poignant when I have something to compare it to. It is something I cling onto when I have gone through situations that have caused me to lose it temporarily. And knowing that based on my own decisions, it truly can be only temporary, makes me feel extremely serene and peaceful.

P.S...these pics are ones I actually snapped while on the plane. LOVE THEM!!! Hope you do too...

Emotional Constipation...

Well, Miss J. Poo-cell asked me to expand on this concept of "Emotional Constipation". At first glance, you can't help but crack up at the idea. However, take a second look and you will see that there is actually quite a bit behind such a comical term.

So...I am pretty sure we all, at some point, have experienced an inability to fully express our feelings. I remember when I was in treatment how painful that can really be. Typically, "holding it in" emotionally is self-induced. We choose not to express our feelings either out of fear, building too many walls, or pain. My situation, however, was basically drug-induced. The psychiatrist put me on some kind of anti-depressants that completely numbed me out. I was 3 weeks into treatment and should have been experiencing all kinds of emotions! However, I sat there in group unable to cry, unable to genuinely laugh, unable to get angry, etc. The only thing I felt was fear. I feared I would never make it through treatment without feeling some kind of pain. I knew it couldn't be that easy. I begged and begged to be taken off the meds, but they kept stalling, telling me I wasn't "stable" enough to fly solo. Again, I knew I could not fully recover unless I felt the pain of treatment. So, I took myself off the meds and it was the best choice I ever made.

Within days I was crying like Jennie would if she missed Zac Efron's live performance. I was as angry as Joy would be if Edward were killed or burned at the stake. I could laugh like it was the "Nightmare before Elm Street". That is what I call an emotional laxative. The emotions would flow like the waters of Niagara, and were as unpredictable as the attitudes of my Beehives.

Had I never gone off the meds and experienced that real genuine pain, I would never have learned my lesson and never been able to fully recover. If you ask me, Emotional Constipation is toxic and debilitating.

The inability to express our emotions, and release them as they come, eventually causes complete and utter weakness. No one can fully function with so much bottled inside that they can hardly breathe. It's not healthy to deny those emotions and stuff them. We experience them for specific reasons. That's not to say we need to linger or hold onto them...we just need to acknowledge them and then let them go! Keep in mind, we also need to keep a balance in all things. No need to completely wear all of our emotions on our sleeve.

What is necessary is to be HONEST with ourselves. If we are honest from the start, we will learn how to process those emotions. We will no longer fear the pain of vulnerability or fear the reactions of others. When you feel like crying...roll with it! When you feel angry...let it out! When you feel like laughing...do it till you cry! Who wants to live life in denial of something as essential as our God-given emotions?!? NOT ME!!!

Create a Malleable Reality

There is a song by Jason Mraz where he says, "celebrate the malleable reality." I have been thinking about that concept and what it means to me for quite some time. I have decided that creating a malleable reality is quite crucial in life...at least in MY life.

See...life is about change. The only thing constant in life IS change, so why not roll with it?!? To me, a malleable reality is one that can be nurtured and molded and expanded. This gives me hope. I mean, seriously, to face my reality today is quite boring. My reality right now, in this moment, is living at home while finishing college. THAT is my day-in, day-out, like-it-or-not, true reality. However, my very own malleable reality is taking advantage of the opportunity of living at home while going to college, able to survive on small paychecks, able to focus on school, able to succeed at creating a promising future.

My malleable reality allows me to plan for next year. It allows me to plan for 5 years and 10 years from now. On the flipside, it also allows me to step back for a second and say, wait a second, now that I'm IN the middle of that reality I created for myself last year, I'm not so sure it's working, so let me tweak it just a tad! Nothing is set in stone. How cool is that?!?

Sometimes they say a child's mind is quite malleable, meaning it is able to be molded and nurtured and expanded. But why can't an adult's mind also be malleable? Why do we, as adults, believe we know ALL the answers and accept that disadvantage of not being malleable? Here is what I choose to accept...
I accept that I should be planning for my future
I also accept that those plans should leave room a margin of error, so to speak
I accept that my life will take the path it was always meant to take
I accept that screwing up is the second most important thing in life
I accept that the first most important thing is learning the intended lesson from those screw-ups
I accept that my life is exactly what He always meant for it to be
I accept that every second, every minute and every hour of everyday, my life is constantly changing...and I also except the fact that my responsibility is to acknowledge that change, good or bad, learn from it and roll with it.

So...with that being said, what is your malleable reality? Do you have one? Are you willing to create one? If you are fearful of that concept, use that fear to empower you. Use that fear to inspire you. Once you accept yourself, your life, and your reality, you will be amazed by how much you can actually inspire your OWN self. So, go for it, do whatever you have to do to create your very own malleable reality. Pencil in your life, but ALWAYS, and I mean always, keep an eraser close by!

Check out my Slide Show!

Look Inward and Upward

We had a guest speaker at our church activity tonight. She spoke to us about Individual Worth and really knowing who we are. Whether or not we know it or fully accept it, we are all children of God. There is a certain divinity within every single one of us, and once we get in touch with that, life becomes so much more meaningful. It seems many people look outward for acceptance. They look outward for answers, for peace. But what makes an even bigger impact is learning to look inward, and upward.

There really is only one place to look for constant guidance. Only one place to turn to for the TRUTH, for the answers that make us complete, and for the peace that brings true happiness. The point, though, is that we have to first make the decision to fall to our knees and ASK for those answers. It may seem simple for some, but for others, it's not always easy to kneel down and pour out your soul. At times it may be hard to think of the words. Or, sometimes there may be a fear of what the answer may be. Either way, it takes faith and courage to genuinely expose your innermost thoughts or reveal your fears and concerns. But, hey, He already knows, right?!? He just needs us to acknowledge! And in the end, the answer is ALWAYS right.

It's fairly common knowledge that I have really struggled with my load of classes this Summer. It has worn me out and torn me down...or I should say that I have allowed it to wear me out and tear me down. But today as I searched some papers in my room, I came across a special blessing where I was specifically told that I have been given a "brilliant mind" that I should continuously fill with knowledge. If that is not a sign, I have NO idea what is! The fact that I am back in college right now is a miracle in itself. After having to take 3 years off to recover from an eating disorder, I had to fight tooth and nail to get my good standing back and get re-admitted to college.

SO, here I am, only 2 semesters away from graduating and holding on for dear life. It's true, what they say, that when in college you learn MUCH more from the experience then you do from the textbooks. I have learned that it is only because of my Individual Worth that I have made it to where I am at today. The one thing that has gotten me so close to graduation has been my father giving me blessings each semester to help me through. It has always been that divinity that has helped guide me and support me all the way through. The one thing that has kept me healthy and recovered from the eating disorder for 3 years has been the knowledge of my Individual Worth and the knowledge that my body is a miracle and a gift and should be treated accordingly.

So I can only hope and pray that everyone will be able to find and accept their Indiviual Worth. Learning to look inward at your own hopes and dreams, and then looking upward for the guidance and inspiration to fully realize your life, will truly make you complete, peaceful and genuinely happy!

Slide Show...4th of July 2008...

Painful Exhaustion...

This is about how I feel right now...could someone please hold up MY head?!?!?

Ever been to the point of exhaustion that it's almost painful?!? Yup...that is where I am at right now in this moment! In fact, I am so beyond tired, that it's hard for me to get a good night's rest. My body has been running on pure adrenaline for weeks now, so when I do actually sit down and try to rest, my body is telling me I need to get back to work or studying or whatever it may be!

I knew summer school would be busy and hard to keep up with, but I never expected I would become so overwhelmed. It's hard to keep up with everything, which causes me to cut corners where I can, which then leads to a general frustration that I am not giving 110% in all my classes. I am spread too thin, not getting much sleep, becoming irritable, and it's not a fun situation!

I just made it through my first summer semester last week and started another this week. So that means I am officially half way through. I just have 5 more weeks to go. Last weekend almost put me over the edge. I had finals Thursday and Friday and then took 3 of my nieces to St. George for the day to see High School Musical. It was a great trip...a lot of fun, quality time with the girls, laughing in the car, etc.

Then Sunday morning hit. When I woke up, I could hardly get out of bed. After about an hour, I managed to get myself to the couch where I sat for about an hour before I couldn't handle it any longer and dragged myself back to bed. Besides about a half hour of sitting up to do my niece's hair for church, I slept all day long. I never thought I had it in me to sleep that long, but my body would absolutely not let me out of bed. Every time I did wake up, I tried a few times to get up, but it was just not going to happen. I guess it's a good thing to know that our body can occasionally regulate itself when it comes down to a matter of basic survival!

So now I am 2 days into my second session and so far, I am holding onto my sanity. I am feeling a little better since sleeping all day Sunday, but still quite fatigued. I absolutely can NOT wait for August 15th. That is the offical day of the end of Summer semester! Then I get a whopping 10 days before returning for the Fall semester. However...this time next year, I will be DONE! GRADUATED!!! So there is a light at the end of the tunnel that continues to get brighter EVERY day!

*Happiness is in the Journey, not the Destination*

Have you ever found yourself in one of those situations that seem to bring on an instantaneous reaction of defensiveness and frustration? Something comes up that you just don't agree with or just aren't comfortable with and immediately you throw the walls up and completely shut down. You are no longer open to even the slightest consideration of the situation, no matter how it is presented.

A friend of mine has gone through this a few times with her husband, but with the most recent incident came my inability to shut my mouth. Her husband has expressed to me, on occasion, that he feels attacked when these situations come up and basically feels like there is no support. So in considering that comment, a whole new conversation evolved and it got me thinking on much broader terms.

See, even as I discussed the situation with my friend, I noticed that I was being quite negative myself. It is almost human nature to just shut down...if there is disagreement, then forget about it and just let it go. But why not explore that disagreement? Instead of throwing up the walls and standing there with hands chalk full of ammunition, why not search for other solutions? See, I have learned that there are MANY situations in life that can have a positive outcome. It's all about the law of attraction. The thoughts that we communicate to the universe, will absolutely come true. No matter what the issue is, we are creating those outcomes, whether we realize it or not.

SO, for example, with my friend...instead of mulling around and coming up with all this ammunition as to why she believes something won't work, I suggested coming up with some alternatives to the issue at hand. So instead of confronting her husband and shooting him down, together they can explore various choices and alternate outcomes. When thinking this way, she is communicating to the universe that somehow, things will work out! Rather then continuously saying, "no, this just isn't going to work and this is what's wrong with it, etc etc etc...", She is instead saying, "yes, we can make this work if we try a or b. Let's discuss our options."

When put in these terms, we are constantly putting out positive thoughts and "vibes", so to speak, that will come back to us. Instead of having the eternal pity party, complaining about what we don't have, why things have gone wrong and why we will never be truly happy or fulfilled, we should always be thinking of ways to make things work, ways to make our dreams come true, and ways to truly be happy. The whole saying, "mind over matter" is absolutely true if we genuinely believe it. I have NEVER started a competitive soccer game without laying on the field, eyes closed, while my coach walks us through the greatest game of our life, one step at a time, the clean shot, the roaring crowd and the beautiful win. It is VERY possible to create our destiny if we can have the faith necessary to let go and BELIEVE! Believe in our own power to create that destiny and the power of God to guide us through. If we can change our ways of thinking and look on the lighter side of life, WE WILL CREATE our own destiny. How could you NOT be happy and content with the knowledge that you have taken an active role in your destiny and, in turn, surrounded yourself with all the people and things that make your life complete?!? That is what will help us get to, and stay on, that ROAD TO FULFILLMENT.....ENJOY THE RIDE!!!

***Happiness is in the Journey, NOT the destination***

Superstition is FUN!!!

I don't particularly consider myself a superstitious person. However, I do think it's kind of fun to occassionally play into the hype. For example, today is Friday the 13th. I love to go see a scary movie on Friday the 13th because it just feels festive and there is slightly more excitement and anticipation on a day like today. In the past, my college roommates and I would go rent the entire series of the Friday the 13th movies and watch them all night, or Nightmare on Elm Street, etc... I never watch those kinds of movies on any other day of the year, except for Friday the 13th.

I love how we, as humans, have attached so many stigmas to things in this world. Yesterday in my Native American literature class, we looked at Route 66 and how there were portions of the highway that were very close to Indian reservations. However, the branch that broke away from the original Route 66 was called Highway 666...the Devil's highway. So the story goes that there have been all kinds of crazy deaths and horrific accidents along that stretch of the highway because of it's number. There is poetry written about the horrors that took place along Highway 666.

That's not to say I don't believe in the presence of evil spirits. What I DO believe in, on the other hand, is the power that we, as humans, have to rid ourselves of those spirits or those circumstances. I don't think we give ourselves enough credit or realize our full spiritual potential. I CHOOSE to not allow those evil spirits to be in my presence. I choose to fill my being with uplifting and enlightening spirits. And that is a power and ability that all humans inherently possess. We just don't all tap into it or acknowledge it.

If I want to go see a scary movie on Friday the 13th, or drive along Highway 666, I will do it and live to tell the tale. Because I don't feed into the hype or the superstitious stigmas that humans have attached to those experiences. I will not become possessed by evil spirits or play "chicken" on the highway with the devil. I think I would probably stop for a moment to acknowledge those that did live the horrors of the highway, but not allow them to take me over.

It is possible, and many times very necessary for humans to let go of their human side and tap into their spiritual side. The saying goes, "We are spiritual beings having a human experience." So, I say, stop allowing your humanness to control you. That is a choice that you have made, whether it be conscious or subconscious, you made that choice. Get back in touch with the spiritual side of you that is suffocating and CHOOSE to fill your life with quality people and uplifting spirits. All you have to do is call on them....believe me, they are there.....

My Unknown Heritage

I just got home from my Native American Literature class. At this point, I am so enthralled in this literature that I am even surprising myself. The writing that these Native American authors have published is extremely poignant and eye opening. It's funny because, although I have no connection to my Native American heritage, I know it exists and is fairly strong in my bloodline. So studying these topics has greatly increased my curiosity and opened my eyes to a whole different aspect of my history.

Reading about the boarding schools that these children were sent to, the statutes and limitations used by the government to "define" one's level of "Indianness" (as they called it, but obviously not correct) is almost appalling. You must be an eighth this, or a fourth that, etc etc etc. It is confusing and overwhelming and dehumanizing. I cracked up as I read about the girls that laid their coarse, long black hair on an ironing board and ironed it to be flowing and straight. I, too, ironed my hair when I was younger. Quite often, actually, I laid down on a towel with my curls sprawling out above my head, as my sister laid the burning hot iron as close to my scalp as possible, to force my hair to let go of its most natural form. I always fought my curls when I was younger...I cursed them every single day. I did everything in my power to straighten them out. From sleeping in rollers the size of soda cans, to running a chemical straightener through it, to spending hours ironing it...I was in a constant battle with my hair. Or was I in a battle with myself?

It took me 14 years to overcome that battle that presented itself through my hair and my dress. I wanted to fit in. I wanted to look like my friends at school. I wanted to feel comfortable. But everything I did to feel comfortable was done in vain, only touched the surface, and did nothing but suffocate the real me that tried harder and harder every day to manifest itself, as I subconsciously fought it, tooth and nail, and pushed it back down. Once I learned how to let go, and just be, I realized how exhausting that really is. I realized how fighting my history and my heritage was slowly destroying my soul, and in turn making it near impossible to accomplish my dreams.

SO, here I am, 2 and a half years after accepting me, after accepting my downfalls and shortcomings, my insecurities and fears, still in one piece...one WHOLE piece, stronger then I have ever been. It's actually fun to get to know yourself. I strongly recommend it! Sure, that was accomplished through some pretty intense therapy. But, hey, I am firm believer that EVERYone, at some point in their life, should spend a few hours on the couch venting to a third-party. Plus, most therapists have some pretty comfy couches, quiet and peaceful offices, and wide-open ears. Who couldn't use that?!?

However, one thing to keep in mind, there is nothing easy about sitting on the couch. In the beginning, it may just feel like a chat session. But then you realize how tough it can be. I mean, for heaven's sake, some therapists even give you homework (as if I don't have enough already)! To me, though, the point of therapy IS to work. No one else can heal you, no one else can push through your fears, no one else can frame your life. It is ALL UP TO YOU, and ONLY you. You are in control, if you choose to be. You know your background, your heritage, your family, your history. And if you don't, well then, the fun begins! You get to create your heritage and your history. Either way, you take what you can from your heritage and work it to help you and enrich your life. You decide what you want your legacy to be, what you will represent, and what others will remember about you.

As for me, I will research and study more of my Native American heritage. I will learn what my ancestors went through, how they struggled, what they believed in, and how they framed their lives. I will connect with that history and those that paved the way for me. I am the first female on both sides of my family to ever graduate from college. Sure, some have attended college, but none have actually graduated. I don't say this for praise or for a pity party. I say this because that is the exact reason I am graduating from college. The strength that my mother and grandmother's instilled in me is unmistakable. Because of the opportunities that they may have missed out on due to a lack of education, they have always encouraged and supported me in my education. It is because of, not in spite of, their lack of education, that I am where I am at today. That picture is of my strong mom and me. She is not the one that I get the Native American heritage from, but she is the one that I get my strength and independence from as a woman. The other picture is of my father and me, the one that I get my Native American Heritage from, and also much of my strength from as well.

Summer School

When I hear the term "Summer School", it makes me think I am in trouble for something or that I failed out of my last semester. However, tis not true! I assure you I pulled straight A's last semester at UNLV, but in order to keep myself on track to graduate in the Spring, and because UNLV so conveniently cancelled some classes last semester at the last minute, I am stuck in Summer School.

As much as I love to learn, going to class for hours EVERY night of the week is not my idea of a fun learning experience. Especially in the middle of the summer, in the heat of Vegas, when I could be laying at the pool actually enjoying the sun instead of cursing it from beating down on me while running across campus because, although I left my house in plenty of time, I inevitably get stuck in traffic and then can't find a decent parking spot and must jog, in my flip flops, to get to class on time.

Now, as frustrated as I am in this moment, and as much as I would LOVE to vent more on this lovely little tool of technology, I must actually get to my homework. Having 2 classes online, and one to attend 4 days a week leaves little time for any frivelous blogging, or even sleeping for that matter. Although I just got home from class and would like nothing more then to become one with my pillow, I am forced to crack the books, and peck away at my laptop for hours, ensuring my online professors that I am involved and am spending just as much time on their classes, as I am on the class I physically have to attend. Yeah...that will happen.