Painful Exhaustion...

This is about how I feel right now...could someone please hold up MY head?!?!?

Ever been to the point of exhaustion that it's almost painful?!? Yup...that is where I am at right now in this moment! In fact, I am so beyond tired, that it's hard for me to get a good night's rest. My body has been running on pure adrenaline for weeks now, so when I do actually sit down and try to rest, my body is telling me I need to get back to work or studying or whatever it may be!

I knew summer school would be busy and hard to keep up with, but I never expected I would become so overwhelmed. It's hard to keep up with everything, which causes me to cut corners where I can, which then leads to a general frustration that I am not giving 110% in all my classes. I am spread too thin, not getting much sleep, becoming irritable, and it's not a fun situation!

I just made it through my first summer semester last week and started another this week. So that means I am officially half way through. I just have 5 more weeks to go. Last weekend almost put me over the edge. I had finals Thursday and Friday and then took 3 of my nieces to St. George for the day to see High School Musical. It was a great trip...a lot of fun, quality time with the girls, laughing in the car, etc.

Then Sunday morning hit. When I woke up, I could hardly get out of bed. After about an hour, I managed to get myself to the couch where I sat for about an hour before I couldn't handle it any longer and dragged myself back to bed. Besides about a half hour of sitting up to do my niece's hair for church, I slept all day long. I never thought I had it in me to sleep that long, but my body would absolutely not let me out of bed. Every time I did wake up, I tried a few times to get up, but it was just not going to happen. I guess it's a good thing to know that our body can occasionally regulate itself when it comes down to a matter of basic survival!

So now I am 2 days into my second session and so far, I am holding onto my sanity. I am feeling a little better since sleeping all day Sunday, but still quite fatigued. I absolutely can NOT wait for August 15th. That is the offical day of the end of Summer semester! Then I get a whopping 10 days before returning for the Fall semester. However...this time next year, I will be DONE! GRADUATED!!! So there is a light at the end of the tunnel that continues to get brighter EVERY day!

*Happiness is in the Journey, not the Destination*

Have you ever found yourself in one of those situations that seem to bring on an instantaneous reaction of defensiveness and frustration? Something comes up that you just don't agree with or just aren't comfortable with and immediately you throw the walls up and completely shut down. You are no longer open to even the slightest consideration of the situation, no matter how it is presented.

A friend of mine has gone through this a few times with her husband, but with the most recent incident came my inability to shut my mouth. Her husband has expressed to me, on occasion, that he feels attacked when these situations come up and basically feels like there is no support. So in considering that comment, a whole new conversation evolved and it got me thinking on much broader terms.

See, even as I discussed the situation with my friend, I noticed that I was being quite negative myself. It is almost human nature to just shut down...if there is disagreement, then forget about it and just let it go. But why not explore that disagreement? Instead of throwing up the walls and standing there with hands chalk full of ammunition, why not search for other solutions? See, I have learned that there are MANY situations in life that can have a positive outcome. It's all about the law of attraction. The thoughts that we communicate to the universe, will absolutely come true. No matter what the issue is, we are creating those outcomes, whether we realize it or not.

SO, for example, with my friend...instead of mulling around and coming up with all this ammunition as to why she believes something won't work, I suggested coming up with some alternatives to the issue at hand. So instead of confronting her husband and shooting him down, together they can explore various choices and alternate outcomes. When thinking this way, she is communicating to the universe that somehow, things will work out! Rather then continuously saying, "no, this just isn't going to work and this is what's wrong with it, etc etc etc...", She is instead saying, "yes, we can make this work if we try a or b. Let's discuss our options."

When put in these terms, we are constantly putting out positive thoughts and "vibes", so to speak, that will come back to us. Instead of having the eternal pity party, complaining about what we don't have, why things have gone wrong and why we will never be truly happy or fulfilled, we should always be thinking of ways to make things work, ways to make our dreams come true, and ways to truly be happy. The whole saying, "mind over matter" is absolutely true if we genuinely believe it. I have NEVER started a competitive soccer game without laying on the field, eyes closed, while my coach walks us through the greatest game of our life, one step at a time, the clean shot, the roaring crowd and the beautiful win. It is VERY possible to create our destiny if we can have the faith necessary to let go and BELIEVE! Believe in our own power to create that destiny and the power of God to guide us through. If we can change our ways of thinking and look on the lighter side of life, WE WILL CREATE our own destiny. How could you NOT be happy and content with the knowledge that you have taken an active role in your destiny and, in turn, surrounded yourself with all the people and things that make your life complete?!? That is what will help us get to, and stay on, that ROAD TO FULFILLMENT.....ENJOY THE RIDE!!!

***Happiness is in the Journey, NOT the destination***

Superstition is FUN!!!

I don't particularly consider myself a superstitious person. However, I do think it's kind of fun to occassionally play into the hype. For example, today is Friday the 13th. I love to go see a scary movie on Friday the 13th because it just feels festive and there is slightly more excitement and anticipation on a day like today. In the past, my college roommates and I would go rent the entire series of the Friday the 13th movies and watch them all night, or Nightmare on Elm Street, etc... I never watch those kinds of movies on any other day of the year, except for Friday the 13th.

I love how we, as humans, have attached so many stigmas to things in this world. Yesterday in my Native American literature class, we looked at Route 66 and how there were portions of the highway that were very close to Indian reservations. However, the branch that broke away from the original Route 66 was called Highway 666...the Devil's highway. So the story goes that there have been all kinds of crazy deaths and horrific accidents along that stretch of the highway because of it's number. There is poetry written about the horrors that took place along Highway 666.

That's not to say I don't believe in the presence of evil spirits. What I DO believe in, on the other hand, is the power that we, as humans, have to rid ourselves of those spirits or those circumstances. I don't think we give ourselves enough credit or realize our full spiritual potential. I CHOOSE to not allow those evil spirits to be in my presence. I choose to fill my being with uplifting and enlightening spirits. And that is a power and ability that all humans inherently possess. We just don't all tap into it or acknowledge it.

If I want to go see a scary movie on Friday the 13th, or drive along Highway 666, I will do it and live to tell the tale. Because I don't feed into the hype or the superstitious stigmas that humans have attached to those experiences. I will not become possessed by evil spirits or play "chicken" on the highway with the devil. I think I would probably stop for a moment to acknowledge those that did live the horrors of the highway, but not allow them to take me over.

It is possible, and many times very necessary for humans to let go of their human side and tap into their spiritual side. The saying goes, "We are spiritual beings having a human experience." So, I say, stop allowing your humanness to control you. That is a choice that you have made, whether it be conscious or subconscious, you made that choice. Get back in touch with the spiritual side of you that is suffocating and CHOOSE to fill your life with quality people and uplifting spirits. All you have to do is call on them....believe me, they are there.....

My Unknown Heritage

I just got home from my Native American Literature class. At this point, I am so enthralled in this literature that I am even surprising myself. The writing that these Native American authors have published is extremely poignant and eye opening. It's funny because, although I have no connection to my Native American heritage, I know it exists and is fairly strong in my bloodline. So studying these topics has greatly increased my curiosity and opened my eyes to a whole different aspect of my history.

Reading about the boarding schools that these children were sent to, the statutes and limitations used by the government to "define" one's level of "Indianness" (as they called it, but obviously not correct) is almost appalling. You must be an eighth this, or a fourth that, etc etc etc. It is confusing and overwhelming and dehumanizing. I cracked up as I read about the girls that laid their coarse, long black hair on an ironing board and ironed it to be flowing and straight. I, too, ironed my hair when I was younger. Quite often, actually, I laid down on a towel with my curls sprawling out above my head, as my sister laid the burning hot iron as close to my scalp as possible, to force my hair to let go of its most natural form. I always fought my curls when I was younger...I cursed them every single day. I did everything in my power to straighten them out. From sleeping in rollers the size of soda cans, to running a chemical straightener through it, to spending hours ironing it...I was in a constant battle with my hair. Or was I in a battle with myself?

It took me 14 years to overcome that battle that presented itself through my hair and my dress. I wanted to fit in. I wanted to look like my friends at school. I wanted to feel comfortable. But everything I did to feel comfortable was done in vain, only touched the surface, and did nothing but suffocate the real me that tried harder and harder every day to manifest itself, as I subconsciously fought it, tooth and nail, and pushed it back down. Once I learned how to let go, and just be, I realized how exhausting that really is. I realized how fighting my history and my heritage was slowly destroying my soul, and in turn making it near impossible to accomplish my dreams.

SO, here I am, 2 and a half years after accepting me, after accepting my downfalls and shortcomings, my insecurities and fears, still in one piece...one WHOLE piece, stronger then I have ever been. It's actually fun to get to know yourself. I strongly recommend it! Sure, that was accomplished through some pretty intense therapy. But, hey, I am firm believer that EVERYone, at some point in their life, should spend a few hours on the couch venting to a third-party. Plus, most therapists have some pretty comfy couches, quiet and peaceful offices, and wide-open ears. Who couldn't use that?!?

However, one thing to keep in mind, there is nothing easy about sitting on the couch. In the beginning, it may just feel like a chat session. But then you realize how tough it can be. I mean, for heaven's sake, some therapists even give you homework (as if I don't have enough already)! To me, though, the point of therapy IS to work. No one else can heal you, no one else can push through your fears, no one else can frame your life. It is ALL UP TO YOU, and ONLY you. You are in control, if you choose to be. You know your background, your heritage, your family, your history. And if you don't, well then, the fun begins! You get to create your heritage and your history. Either way, you take what you can from your heritage and work it to help you and enrich your life. You decide what you want your legacy to be, what you will represent, and what others will remember about you.

As for me, I will research and study more of my Native American heritage. I will learn what my ancestors went through, how they struggled, what they believed in, and how they framed their lives. I will connect with that history and those that paved the way for me. I am the first female on both sides of my family to ever graduate from college. Sure, some have attended college, but none have actually graduated. I don't say this for praise or for a pity party. I say this because that is the exact reason I am graduating from college. The strength that my mother and grandmother's instilled in me is unmistakable. Because of the opportunities that they may have missed out on due to a lack of education, they have always encouraged and supported me in my education. It is because of, not in spite of, their lack of education, that I am where I am at today. That picture is of my strong mom and me. She is not the one that I get the Native American heritage from, but she is the one that I get my strength and independence from as a woman. The other picture is of my father and me, the one that I get my Native American Heritage from, and also much of my strength from as well.

Summer School

When I hear the term "Summer School", it makes me think I am in trouble for something or that I failed out of my last semester. However, tis not true! I assure you I pulled straight A's last semester at UNLV, but in order to keep myself on track to graduate in the Spring, and because UNLV so conveniently cancelled some classes last semester at the last minute, I am stuck in Summer School.

As much as I love to learn, going to class for hours EVERY night of the week is not my idea of a fun learning experience. Especially in the middle of the summer, in the heat of Vegas, when I could be laying at the pool actually enjoying the sun instead of cursing it from beating down on me while running across campus because, although I left my house in plenty of time, I inevitably get stuck in traffic and then can't find a decent parking spot and must jog, in my flip flops, to get to class on time.

Now, as frustrated as I am in this moment, and as much as I would LOVE to vent more on this lovely little tool of technology, I must actually get to my homework. Having 2 classes online, and one to attend 4 days a week leaves little time for any frivelous blogging, or even sleeping for that matter. Although I just got home from class and would like nothing more then to become one with my pillow, I am forced to crack the books, and peck away at my laptop for hours, ensuring my online professors that I am involved and am spending just as much time on their classes, as I am on the class I physically have to attend. Yeah...that will happen.