***IT'S OVER!!!***

So...I do believe that tonight has been the greatest night I have had basically all summer! As of 6:55 PM, I officially completed my summer semester! Actually, I was SO done at about 5:50 when the professor gave us a break, that I ducked out of class early! If you have read any of my blog, you know that this has, by far, been the absolute most difficult summer of my life! Taking 5 classes in the summer is basically insane, but I had to do it to keep myself on track...not because I was trying to be Superwoman!

It was quite interesting as I walked out of the building. Slowly, with each step, I felt the tension begin to unravel. I could almost see the stress seeping out of my flip-flops each time my foot hit the ground. Can you picture Forrest Gump...running free from his leg braces?!? Well, that was me, only my leg braces were a complete body cast, extra thick in the back and neck, made of stress and tension and frustration and fatigue. I had a whole montage of the Rocky theme song, Eye of the Tiger, and "Run, Sarah, Run!" going through my head! Something so insignificant and minimal to anyone else was a moment of complete and utter freedom, celebration and instant gratification like I have never before experienced. It was like the water bursting out of the fountains at the Belagio!

So, now, for the next TEN whole days, I get to breathe! I get to relax and have fun. I don't have to worry about homework, studying, attending class, posting for my online class, preparing lesson plans, etc. A friend of mine asked me what I plan to do with my week off and all I could come up with, initially, was NOTHING! I don't want to pack everyday with billions of things to do. Excluding a short road trip, or some quality time at the gym, I'm not sure I want to leave the house! There are certain people that I will absolutely make time for...and I look forward to that quality time without the stress of school always lingering in the back of my head. Either way, it's going to be a great week!

It's funny how external situations wreak so much havoc on our bodies. As I went to the O.D., he was slightly appalled as he had to crack 6 ribs back into place last week, and another 8 vertebrae back into place this week. No accidents, no phycial injury, no over-exercising to speak of...simply stressing over school has turned my muscles to rocks and literally knocked my back out of place. From now on, regardless of the level of stress, I'm going to do my best to listen to my body and recognize the effects of stress early on. It's just not worth it to continually ignore the signs that something is not quite right and keep pushing our bodies to limits that really aren't necessary. Had I kept tabs on my back, I could have started early on in the summer and gotten adjusted more often. However, because I put it off so long, there are knots the size of limes that will take a long time and lot of massage to ultimately work out.

But, at this point, I am just very grateful that I survived such a rigorous summer, that things turned out well, and I am able to regroup just in time for the Fall semester. It really is a blessing to have the opportunity to go to school and further my education, and is something I try not to take for granted. Even with all the stress and my complaining about that stress, I would never trade a moment of this experience for anything in the world! And it really is a blessing to have friends in life that care, and go to great efforts to show they care. In fact, just recently at the end of a very stressful day, I came home to find a huge boquet of pink and yellow roses, some of my favorite chocolate and candy, and of course a bottle of diet coke just waiting for me on my dresser. It was one of the sweetest things and most thoughtful things anyone has ever done for me! Definitely made my week and helped to lighten the load...just the knowledge that someone else recognized the difficult time and made an effort to reach out.

So, this marks the beginning of a nice 10-day vacation which I will enjoy to its fullest! Part of me is ready to relax, but a small part is ready to hit Fall semester and keep myself on the learning train for one more semester! I want to regroup, but also keep up the momentum!!! BRING IT ON!!!

Serenity Among The Clouds...

I recently found myself 35,000 feet above the ground on a plane, flying back home. I suddenly realized that being on a plane is one of my favorite places to be! Why?!? Because sitting there...chair reclined...Jack Johnson or Jason Mraz or Duffy pumping through my ipod...I am completely alone. Not to sound like a loner by any means, but there is a certain appeal to being alone, figuratively speaking. Realistically, I was surrounded by 150 strangers. However, the keyword in that sentence is "strangers"! That is what makes me alone.

When I am in the sky, there is not a soul in the world that can get ahold of me. It does not matter what kind of chaos is going on down below, I am completely immune. I happen to be a texting fiend. It does not matter what is going on...except for church, I am always texting. ALWAYS! In fact, when I am on the ground, I feel completely naked if I leave the house and forget my phone. It's basically sheer panic and I don't know what I will do. What if someone needs me? What if I have to call my girls to tell them about the major sale going on? It's just not cool. Unfortunately I am one that absolutely can NOT imagine life before cell phones!

So...here's the deal...when I am on a plane, 35,000 feet above the ground...I don't care that I don't have access to my phone. I don't panic. I don't freak out. I don't lose sleep! In fact, the serenity I feel is undeniable. Have you ever been on a plane, sat in the window seat, and actually took the time to look out the window?!? I mean SERIOUSLY looked out the window? Everytime I fly, I request the window seat. Peering through those tiny window panes, I am thoroughly awed and amazed at the never-ending sky. I can stare at it for hours, and my level of amazement only increases. There are only 2 things that can happen in a plane...the unthinkable can happen, and you can crash. OR...you can sit there being served and relaxing while literally floating above the clouds. There is nothing but piercing blue skies above and pure white clouds below. You are trapped between two levels of miraculous creations placed there specifically for you and me.

My thoughts are their clearest when I'm on a plane. There is nothing going on in the background to distract me. There is nothing that I can do besides relax and explore those thoughts. I can make no excuses...there is no laundry or cleaning to be done...there is no email to return...there are no voicemails to respond to. To me...THAT is pure serenity! I typically imagine bouncing on the clouds as if they were a huge trampoline. I try to picture the people in the cities below, wonder what they are doing and the stresses they are dealing with. Then we pass over land that has not been developed...the vast desert or mountain range...and again I am taken aback by the miraculous beauty. When I witness, with my very own eyes, the beauty of my surroundings, I am overwhelmed with love and gratitude. I realize that earth is a gift; airplanes are a gift; people are a gift and my life is a ginormous gift!

Wow...suddenly I am able to see the big picture and the little things quickly lose significance. That is an amazing feeling. Life is peaceful in the sky. I decided that although I have my serenity in the clouds, I never would be able to appreciate it without the struggles. ***LIVING...LOVING...DREAMING...HOPING***

That is how I want to live my life. To me, living means loving as well as losing. It means dreaming as well as having nightmares. It means hoping as well as being disappointed. Happy living is much more meaningful and poignant when I have something to compare it to. It is something I cling onto when I have gone through situations that have caused me to lose it temporarily. And knowing that based on my own decisions, it truly can be only temporary, makes me feel extremely serene and peaceful.

P.S...these pics are ones I actually snapped while on the plane. LOVE THEM!!! Hope you do too...

Emotional Constipation...

Well, Miss J. Poo-cell asked me to expand on this concept of "Emotional Constipation". At first glance, you can't help but crack up at the idea. However, take a second look and you will see that there is actually quite a bit behind such a comical term.

So...I am pretty sure we all, at some point, have experienced an inability to fully express our feelings. I remember when I was in treatment how painful that can really be. Typically, "holding it in" emotionally is self-induced. We choose not to express our feelings either out of fear, building too many walls, or pain. My situation, however, was basically drug-induced. The psychiatrist put me on some kind of anti-depressants that completely numbed me out. I was 3 weeks into treatment and should have been experiencing all kinds of emotions! However, I sat there in group unable to cry, unable to genuinely laugh, unable to get angry, etc. The only thing I felt was fear. I feared I would never make it through treatment without feeling some kind of pain. I knew it couldn't be that easy. I begged and begged to be taken off the meds, but they kept stalling, telling me I wasn't "stable" enough to fly solo. Again, I knew I could not fully recover unless I felt the pain of treatment. So, I took myself off the meds and it was the best choice I ever made.

Within days I was crying like Jennie would if she missed Zac Efron's live performance. I was as angry as Joy would be if Edward were killed or burned at the stake. I could laugh like it was the "Nightmare before Elm Street". That is what I call an emotional laxative. The emotions would flow like the waters of Niagara, and were as unpredictable as the attitudes of my Beehives.

Had I never gone off the meds and experienced that real genuine pain, I would never have learned my lesson and never been able to fully recover. If you ask me, Emotional Constipation is toxic and debilitating.

The inability to express our emotions, and release them as they come, eventually causes complete and utter weakness. No one can fully function with so much bottled inside that they can hardly breathe. It's not healthy to deny those emotions and stuff them. We experience them for specific reasons. That's not to say we need to linger or hold onto them...we just need to acknowledge them and then let them go! Keep in mind, we also need to keep a balance in all things. No need to completely wear all of our emotions on our sleeve.

What is necessary is to be HONEST with ourselves. If we are honest from the start, we will learn how to process those emotions. We will no longer fear the pain of vulnerability or fear the reactions of others. When you feel like crying...roll with it! When you feel angry...let it out! When you feel like laughing...do it till you cry! Who wants to live life in denial of something as essential as our God-given emotions?!? NOT ME!!!