Courage is NOT the absence of Fear...

I've been feeling the urge to write for some time now, especially with a new year upon us. However, I've been dodging that urge because I know the things going through my head recently are experiences I have never been able to speak about publicly, let alone actually put in print. But for the sake of starting a new year fresh with the resolve to heal my heart and heal my past, I think it's due time I get it out. Who knows...maybe it will help someone else that may be struggling as well...at least that is my hope and prayer!
I was six years old. I was your typical little girl, running around the neighborhood with my friends, often swimming in our backyard pool or riding my bike around. Two lots down from our house was an empty lot that someone had turned into a storage space for old, broken-down cars. My friends and I didn't care about the cars, themselves, but found the lot a great place to play hide-and-seek. [Side-note: This was in the mid-80's when children still played outside and the streets were fairly safe! Or at least I thought they were.] One day during our typical routine, another kid from the neighborhood wanted to come join us. He was older than us all, 17 to be exact, but seemed nice and friendly and would chase us around as we ran and laughed. He played the game, started to gain our trust, and came back often when we were outside. One afternoon he actually was hiding IN one of the cars, and I happened to be the one that was "it." As I approached the car and saw him laying down on the front seat, I excitedly jumped up and down to tell him I found him and he was now "it."
Suddenly the door came swinging open and I quickly stepped back, as not to get pegged by the heavy door. He swiftly reached out and grabbed my arm, pulling me into the old, hot, stale-smelling car. (And now as I am typing, I can feel my body begin to tense up, fingers pausing at each key...difficult topic to write about) As I sat there, confused and uncomfortable with the situation, he began talking to me filling me with lies and fears that, as a six-year old, were overwhelming but believable. He went through the usual steps of watching me for weeks, befriending me, and now we were on to the "grooming" stage. He would talk about body parts, tell me it's natural to explore together, and then he took it a step further...well, many steps further. I will not go into detail, but you get the idea. For a while I genuinely believed if I told anyone I would get into big trouble. Something inside me told me what he was doing was wrong, but with a limited understanding of the world, I just didn't want to get in trouble. I never was a trouble-maker as a child, and now I feared I would become one.
Until one day I just couldn't take it anymore. It was too painful, both physically and emotionally, and I no longer could hide it. I went home and my family was gathered together in my parent's room, as we often did to just laugh and visit, and I jumped up on the bed and plopped down on my father's lap. I began telling them about the kid and immediate shock covered everyone's face. The laughter was quickly halted with a deafening silence that made me extremely nervous. I thought for sure, I had done something wrong. I was devastated. Seeing the worry in my eyes, my parents quickly assured me nothing was my fault and they would take care of the situation.
The next thing I knew, I was on my oldest brother's shoulders as my father escorted the two of us over to this boy's house. My father promptly knocked on the door and as it swung open, there was a woman standing in the foyer. My father asked if this kid was her son, and she confirmed it. As my father began to tell her of my accusations, she yelled for her son to come to the door. As he approached and saw me on my brother's shoulders, his eyes became filled with fear. He looked at me with very disappointed eyes, and my heart sunk. Suddenly the ummistakable sound of skin hitting skin broke my stare as his mother began slapping him repeatedly. She was yelling at the top of her lungs, stating she had warned him this better stop, and asking how he could do this...AGAIN. The only thing I could think while perched atop my brother's shoulders, was this was all my fault. This kid was getting the beat-down because I opened my mouth. Had I just kept it to myself, I would be the only one getting hurt, not my family, not his family, and not him.
Upon returning home, my parents promptly contacted the authorities and pressed charges against him. They sheltered me from the proceedings as much as possible. I did not have to appear in court, but found out through this process that other girls also came forward when they heard of the charges being brought against him. I guess his mother was serious when she asked if he was doing this AGAIN. Throughout this process we were preparing to move to another state, thankfully, and left before the court proceedings were complete. A few weeks later, however, we received a letter from the court confirming he was found guilty on several counts of various degrees of sexual misconduct, and would be going to jail. And with that news, the situation was never spoken of again.
That is, until about a year ago when I began having flashbacks. All through my years of going to therapy for the eating disorder, I had every therapist ask me if I ever was a victim of abuse and I immediately denied and dismissed the topic. I may have mentioned once or twice, very briefly, that there were some memories of a boy in my past, but still did not want to go there and did a very good job at suppressing those memories for 25 years. Then I started going to energy therapy, and found those repressed memories were still extremely present in my life, and actually still had quite the impact. I couldn't stop the memories and flashbacks from returning, so chose to acknowledge them, once and for all. Talk about regression! Never before have I felt so adolescent and immature in my healing. At times, I reverted back to actually being six years old as the memories flooded my heart and mind and I attempted to process the suppressed emotions.
Thankfully, with time, the flashbacks are beginning to subside. I'm learning to forgive and let go of the insecurities these experiences caused me to feel on an extremely deep level. I am realizing that though other's actions/choices can affect us very directly, our reaction (or lack of reaction) to that is what really matters. I will no longer be the victim. I will no longer be held back by something that happened 25 years ago. I am grateful for the painful experience of struggling through these flashbacks, as I am truly able to finally start letting go of the pain, the shame, the hurt and the insecurities. Healing is a very powerful thing, one that I want to embrace and take advantage of at every opportunity! It takes a lot of courage to CHOOSE to heal...and for me, I had to find courage in facing my fears. I feared acknowledging what really happened. I feared the emotions and vulnerability that I knew, undoubtedly, would feel overwhelming. But in the end, I am finding that courage is not the absence of fear. Couarge is being willing to face your fears and move beyond those things that are holding you back in life.

Diligent Joy

The saying goes, “Happiness is the Journey, NOT the destination.” It is a statement we have heard over and over again, in one way or another. However, finding joy and happiness in each day is something our society still consistently struggles with. Instead of setting goals and enjoying the path to accomplishing those goals, we hold ourselves hostage during the process. We will not allow ourselves to eat out until we lose 10 more pounds. No more shopping sprees until that promotion at work comes along. No relationships until the ultimate career goal is reached. And it goes on and on and on.

But then, what happens? We obtain what we believe will make us happy…lost those 10 pounds; offered a raise; graduated from college…and we indulge! We celebrate by treating ourselves to various “splurges” in life. And the next thing you know, not only are the 10 pounds back knocking on the door, but they brought their little brother, the additional 5 pounds with them. We spent so much money on our shopping spree that, although making 3% more, you find yourself backed in a corner and needing to take out a pay-day loan.

Every single day in life requires that we make a conscious decision to be joyful. We must be DILIGENT at striving and working for and towards true joy. Without consciously seeking for joy, we leave ourselves wide open for the influence of negativity to infiltrate our hearts and minds, and eventually take over. It seems innocent, and happens slowly, but the act of not striving for joy is just the same as denying joy.

The scriptures very clearly tell us that, “Men are that they might have joy.” Do we fully understand the weight of that statement? We ARE here, living this life, that we might have JOY!!! How incredible is that? To know that it is truly out there, waiting for us to diligently seek for that joy, is incredibly inspiring. I know there are days that I just forget to simply ask for joy as I go throughout my day, or I get too caught up in the chaos in the day and allow the stress, exhaustion, or doubt take over my heart’s capacity to feel that joy. We all do, because we are human. But think about how incredible life could be, each day, if we had some kind of reminder…a note on the mirror, a reminder on our phone or computer, something to remind us to diligently seek for joy every single day. It still may not happen, but if we can continually strive for it, our heart’s capacity to feel joy will become more constant. We will be more passionate people. We will be more conscious of how we treat and speak to others. When tough times do hit, we will be more capable of dealing with and conquering them because joy outweighs all the doubt and negativity!
Just because we are able to be experiencing diligent joy, does not mean we will not have rough days or situations. It simply means we will be better equipped to deal with and work through those tough situations that, at times, can feel overwhelming and impossible. Please believe me, however, it IS absolutely possible!

As I have been striving for joy, very diligently (specifically for the past 4 months), I have identified so many incredible blessings in my life. Things in my life have finally made sense. I have been able to heal from years of confusion, unanswered questions, and deeply rooted pain. This pain literally began back when I was 6 years old when someone took something from me that I could never get back. This person hurt me in ways that, although at the time were stuffed away, have never fully left me. That situation turned into a plethora of trapped emotions that started an extremely destructive spiraling pattern in my life, at the tender age of 6 years old. Then later on, in 5th grade, another person tainted my innocence and attempted to take more from me. The situation happened at school, towards the end of the year, and for months at the beginning of my 6th grade year, I was terrified to go to school. I never knew why at the time, but through my healing and search to be diligently joyful (20 years later), I have been able to connect the dots. I have realized that my fear of school stemmed directly back to a VERY bad decision this person made, that affected me very deeply as a 10 year old, innocent little girl.
Sure, I could be angry and resentful towards these people. But as I go through the pain of the healing process, I am able to process my anger and resentment in a very productive way, and truly let go. I don’t want to hold on to that anger or resentment any longer. I want to make room for true, genuine joy in my life, heart and mind, and work on being compassionate towards all around me. It is not my place to judge those that very deeply hurt me. It is only my place to learn to forgive, to move on, to LET GO of the pain and shame that were so deeply rooted in these situations. And, I can honestly say, with some very supportive friends, amazing energy therapists and healing massage therapy, and of course, the help and guidance of my Savior, I am able to let go of those negative feelings more and more every single day. I am feeling more joyful on a more consistent basis and am so excited at the future that lies directly ahead of me.

I genuinely pray we ALL will be able to diligently strive for genuine joy as we go through this mess we call life, and understand and accept that though there will still be tough situations and frustrating things take place, with diligent joy we are truly bette equipped to truly face the issues head on, not be afraid of the outcome, and trust and have the faith that we are making the right deicision. I can't see how choosing to live in misery can be the right thing to do. That was never the intention of God sending us to live and survive this life time. What do you want? Misery and despair? Or joy and happiness and ANSWERS?!?

May You Have Fair Winds and Following Seas...

I was 23 years old and felt I was in the trenches. I had lived 23 years doing EVERY single thing that was asked of me. I was very active in church - never denied a calling - attended all the activities - attended church every Sunday. I worked my tail off trying to be as close to perfect as I could possibly, HUMANLY, achieve. I excelled in high school and college - played on every soccer league I could squeeze in my schedule - had a good relationship with my parents and family and would do anything to spend time with my nieces. On the surface, I was the "model" daughter, student, athlete, friend, mormon, etc...

However, between 23 and 24 years old, I began sinking. I was this buoy, bobbing around in this vast ocean of truth and beauty. But as I slowly lost touch with the spirit, I began losing that uplifting buoyancy and lost sight of the surface and the horizon, every subtly sinking into the darkness below. See, anger is heavy and can and WILL weigh down anyone and anything with it's negative energy. Despair clouds our vision causing us to lose sight of the path ahead. And here I was, wanting nothing more in life than a husband and family, neither of which I had yet been blessed with, causing that despair and fear to suffocate my every last breath. As I watched friend after friend getting married or having children, I smiled and congratulated them with this immaculate mask of excitement and joy. But under that mask, tears filled my soul...despair broke my heart time after time until I was sure the only thing that remained of my heart was its ability to beat each painful, desperate beat, attempting to keep me alive and afloat.
And then the fear imposed itself on my soul, like life-sucking barnacles weighing me down and pulling me into the darkness below. I felt hopeless. There was no one there to help set me free of the demons and fears that snuck up on me, one by one, until I no longer recognized my own spirit or soul. I was not living...only surviving. I became this permeable membrane, allowing the doubt and despair to penetrate my spirit so painfully deep that I literally let go of the loving, protective armor of God.

However, I am beginning to realize that the armor, the ever-loving shield of God has never floated away. It has NOT been swept away by the storms of life or the crashing waves or the vicious creatures circling round. That armor, MY armor, is still peacefully floating directly above me, beckoning me to let go of the struggle that lies beneath me, and simply reach above me and grasp that armor, holding on with EVERY bit of faith I can muster. I am slowly learning to detach myself from these life-sucking, heavy barnacles and obstacles in life, and begin fighting my way back to the surface where I can CLING to that armor that God has so lovingly sent to me, and allowed me access to AS I CHOOSE. It's cliche, but can't help it...If it is to be, it is up to ME!

I am learning to slowly breakthrough those traumas in life that have weighed me down, that have skewed my compass, that have completely sunk my spirit and passion in life. I am working my way back to the surface, the life-giving horizon filled with sun and light. I KNOW with all my heart it is there. HE is there...HE is beckoning me to make that leap of faith and grab hold to that armor that will build my spirit and fill my soul. Life will bring storms, the tempest will rage, the waves will crash...but with the armor of God as our most vital flotation device, we will survive, and stay afloat, and survive to see the clouds breaking and the sun shining through. May you have fair winds and following seas as you venture out in life, always clinging to that armor of God and having the flotation device of faith and love and the TRUE word of God!

Stop Looking for Obstacles...Start Looking for MAGIC!

I was talking to a friend the other day about a difficult situation she is going through. I am not sure why this particular conversation sparked such an awareness of vocabulary, but I suddenly noticed how often she used the phrase, "I can't..."

Have you ever stopped to think about your word choice? After this conversation, I realized that I also use the word "can't" quite often. I stopped to think about The Secret and the law of attraction and realized I have been a little out of practice lately! I saw a movie recently and one of the quotes in the movie was, "Stop looking for obstacles...start looking for magic!" To be honest, I didn't even pay a whole lot of attention to the rest of the movie after that line because I was so struck by such a simple concept.

I found myself analyzing my own life and my perception of the future. Although I have goals and dreams and high expectations for my future, at times I tend to think, "no, I can't do something like that. I'm not smart enough. I don't have the money," etc. etc. etc. WHY do we doubt ourselves?!? Instead of thinking of everything we can't do or don't feel capable of doing, we should begin thinking of the things we CAN do. Now, realistically, I'm sure there are things in life that we simply can't do, I'm not negating that fact. But why waste so much time focusing on those things if we can't or choose not to do them?!? Why not take all that energy and put it into the things we know we can do?!? And then, slowly, as we begin to focus on the small possibilities in life, I promise we will be amazed at how quickly those possibilities become endless.

I know it's cliche and I know it's borderline cheesy...but I am a firm believer in the idea that we create our own destiny. I know I have gotten stuck in ruts, as we all do at times, where it seems like the world is against me and nothing is going right. But as I think back on those experiences, I genuinely believe that my frame of mind is what kept perpetuating those difficult times. Had I been more positive from the beginning and learned to take those situations as lessons learned and small matters compared to the big picture, things would not have gotten as bad as I perceived them to be.

So...from here on out, I will do my best to focus on what I know I CAN do. I mean, honestly, we can always TRY, right?!? Instead of saying I can't run a marathon...why not say I CAN TRY to run a marathon? And then, if you find it proves to be difficult or too time consuming, you can always say you tried and have, at the very least, gotten in some good exercise for as long as it lasted! For those that struggle with ed and find yourself constantly saying, "I can't eat that," or "I can't keep this food down," think about what you CAN do. There are things that you can eat, you know your safety foods, and you know your limits. If you are having a rough day, stop thinking of everything you can't do and stick to what works for you. Then, when you feel stronger, you can begin stepping out of your comfort zone and attempt those things you have always told yourself you can't do, and at least say, " I CAN TRY!!!" I realize it is easier said than done, but I also feel that on some level, that is simply a cop-out. Life is hard...everything is easier said than done! But life, in order to be productive and meaningful, must also present challenges and obstacles. Just like they say that rules are meant to be broken, the same thing goes with obstacles...they are meant to be conquered and surpassed! But we have to make the conscious choice of convincing ourselves that we CAN, in fact, do it!

There is no failure in trying...there are no regrets when you have given it your best...but there can be enlightenment and growth in everything we at least attempt to do.

Misery IS Optional

The saying goes, "when it rains, it pours." At this point in my life, I do believe I could become the poster child for this slogan. All this talk of things happening in 3's, or hitting rock bottom in order to learn your lesson and pick yourself back up, have proved to be completely useless in my situation. The drama in my life has come more in sets of 10's or 20's, rather than 3's, and I swear, if I get any lower, I will be 6 feet under. So, for the sake of this posting and me being able to make sense of life in the recent months, I am going to throw all those superstitious sayings out the window and go with my gut instinct.

I genuinely believe I have a lot of lessons to learn in life. I think we all do, old or young, have many lessons to learn in life. I have said it in earlier posts and will say it again...life is constantly changing, and unless we are changing and adapting to the whirlwind, we will be left helpless, in a holding pattern, unable to move on and live a fulfilling life.

I recently heard a talk about tragedies faced in life and problems we all encounter at one point or another. But there was one line that particularly stood out for me. It was something along the lines of, "Pain and suffering are required in life...but misery is optional." WOW!!! This one hit me pretty hard!

Really, truly, think about that. MISERY IS OPTIONAL!!! If this is true, and I genuinely believe it is, then not ONE soul has the cop-out excuse of saying how miserable life is. NO...life is not miserable. But the way you are reacting to life is making you miserable. Absolutely, there are extremely severe situations that call for a time of mourning, a time of processing and fully moving past them and letting go of the anger or resentment caused by that situation. But TOO many people in this world literally GIVE UP THEIR POWER to the person or entity that has offended them or done them wrong in some way and continue to live in misery for months on end. WHY?!? Why, when there are so many outlets and resources in the world to help us all process difficult situations, would we choose to hold on to pain and resentment and anger? Why would we build our walls so high that not even the closest friend of family member can break through and help you find the light again.

I believe it is primarily due to fear. Fear of change. Fear of being pushed out of comfort zones. Personally, I say to hell with comfort zones! What is there to be learned when we are constantly in our comfort zone? We MUST branch out in this life and try new things, make new friends and learn new lessons. Things will not always turn out as we had intended or hoped they would, but guess what? They turned out EXACTLY as God would have had them turn out, and in the end, that's ALL that matters.

As I have gone through some extremely hellish experiences the past 6 months, I have also met this new group of friends that have turned out to be the greatest support network I EVER could have asked for! I kept questioning why so many things seem to be happening to me. But EVERYtime something major happened, I got a little closer to one of those people, and was able to establish new, genuine friendships in my life. I always knew I was NEVER alone in any one situation. So, although we walk through the darkness or feel the storm clouds constantly looming, if we are willing to keep working through it, we WILL find that there is always an amazing blessing in the end. I just pray I am never dense enough to overlook that blessing or lose the lesson at hand.

There is a purpose for every heartbreak. There is a purpose for every painful situation. Sometimes it's a matter of humbling us, sometimes a matter of reminding ourselves what is truly most important in life, and sometimes it is HUGE where we need to seriously re-vamp a certain aspect of our life. Either way, big or small, I will choose NOT to be miserable while in the situation. I will allow myself to experience the pain and suffering, but will not allow it to paralyze me to the point of helplessness or automatically becoming the "victim" in every situation. I am NOT a victim. I have choices. And no matter how many times I have to remind myself, or my supportive friends offer friendly words of advice, I will NEVER give up on avoiding misery. CHOOSE NOT TO LIVE IN MISERY!!!

Life Comes Full Circle

WOW! I am not exactly sure where to begin with this blog posting because it has been SO long since I have posted and SO much has happened in my life. I went through a very trying and rigorous experience as I completed my student teaching this past semester and I was tested in every possible way...physically, emotionally, mentally, etc. When that much pressure is placed on one person in such a short period of time, especially a person with my history, it is the perfect set up for a relapse.

But guess what?!? I have not ONCE even considered relapse! In fact, it has only made my convictions to keep myself in recovery even stronger. See, I know life is hard. That is a fact that no one will ever change, and we all will experience varying levels of difficulty as we go throughout life. I have said it before, and will say it again...WHAT TRULY MATTERS IS HOW WE CHOOSE TO RESPOND TO THE STRESSES OF LIFE!!!

Four years ago I was at my lowest point, desperate to find some treatment to help me beat my eating disorder and desperate to find some meaning in my life. Back then I thought my life had no meaning. Ed had taken over and I had completely lost myself. Now, 2 weeks ago, I walked across that stage at UNLV as my name was read as I graduated from college. Few thought this day would ever actually come for me...and I was included in those doubtful people. But...I DID IT!

It has been interesting over the past few weeks...how my life seems to have come full circle. Ironically I received a voicemail from the first therapist I ever worked with over 7 years ago when I initially started trying to fight my eating disorder. Within days, I ran into the first doctor that officially diagnosed me with an eating disorder, that again, I worked with over 7 years ago. Both were so happy for me and so proud of me to see where I am at today. And in the next week, I will be going to lunch with the therapist I worked with while in treatment, who truly helped me turn that corner and embark on my TRUE and lasting journey of recovery. I can't help but smile when I think of those 3 people and the impact they had on my life.

I do not say this in search of kudos from others. I say this because I want others out there to know that IT IS POSSIBLE! I can vaguely remember being at my lowest point and very seriously wondering if there actually was life after an eating disorder. I always thought that even if I stopped my "ed" behaviors, that ed would always be there trying to play mind games with me. I could not fathom life without body image issues or always getting on board with the next big diet craze out there. But now, 4 years later, those issues are the farthest thing from my mind! I can't even remember the last time I actually weighed myself. I enjoy going shopping for new clothes, regardless of the size on the label. I enjoy meeting with friends for lunch and enjoying a good meal and good conversation without having calorie counting constantly taunting me in the back of my mind.

There is SO much more to life than ed. There is so much more to life than looking thin in an outfit. There is SO much more to EVERY single one of us beneath this layer of skin that creates our physical body. If we choose to accept that, underneath it all, we are all spiritual beings on varying levels, all those outside appearances quickly lose their importance and we can focus on being good, loving, generous and thankful people. If we choose to acknowledge that our body's are a gift from God and should be treated with the utmost respect, we truly can accomplish so many things in this life.

And now I embark on a new chapter of my life. Now I find so much joy in reaching out to others that are still suffering and helping them find the excitement in life. There is nothing more rewarding than seeing the light and the life return to someone's eyes...a beautiful person inside and out...without the tauntings of ed in the background. If there is anything that makes my 14 years of suffering worth every second, it is seeing even one single person find themselves. It is seeing that person get excited about life! It is seeing that person gain a new determination to fight ed...and then seeing that person strong enough in their own recovery, to turn around and "Pay It Forward" and share with others what they have learned.

Do not face recovery by yourself, or for other people. CHOOSE recovery and reach out to supportive and loving people. CHOOSE to recover to create a full, meaningful life for yourself so that you can be a light to others. Many of us are mothers, aunts, sisters, daughters, granddaughters, etc. But when ed takes over, the true inner beauty of that person is lost and they become completely unrecognizable to their loved ones. But when ed is gone, that amazing person comes shining through and there is no denying it!

So, I challenge you...put your foot down. Stop ed in his tracks. Stand your ground, find your true, genuine self and create a LIFE WORTH LIVING for yourself. And I PROMISE you, as you do, you will find light and life and happiness that will overcome every being of your soul. YOU ARE WORTH IT! And I know, without a doubt, that you CAN do it! I am ALWAYS here for a word of advice, a meaningful conversation, or just a listening ear. ANYthing I can do to help stop this ugly disease and spread the word of love and joy is small compared to the blessings I have received and the life I now lead every single day. Please, contact me at anytime, if you are needing a little extra push to help keep you on your road to recovery and your journey to a happy, fulfilled life!

May you always be filled with love, laughter, and only the happiest of tears as you come to accept what an amazing and POWERful person you truly are!

EVERYthing I AM

It is Friday night at 9:41 pm and I am chilling on the couch, fireplace creating a relaxing glow in the background, listening to some Jason Mraz. And after this last chaotic week, there is nothing I would rather be doing.

I heard a new song a few weeks ago and have been contemplating the lyrics since. I love the song, it has a great beat and the artist has a great voice. However, when I really listened to the words, I questioned the purpose of the song. It is called "Anything I'm Not" and literally talks about wanting to be anything in this world, but yourself. So, of course, this got me pondering life and what could be so bad, so overwhelming, draining or depressing that you would sing about wanting to be anything BUT who you truly are.

Initially I cracked up. The first couple lines say, "I will never be, never ever be tall, no. I will never be, never ever be sure of it all." Clearly, I will never be tall! And I don't think ANY of us will ever be sure of it all. And if you think you are, that philosophy in itself proves you really don't have a grasp because, hey, denying the opportunity to learn something new is the first sign that really you are quite ignorant!

But as the song goes on, the artist wonders why the world has been so cruel, and expresses this sense of life being such a harsh reality. Really?!? Is it that bad? There is one acknowledgement of being happy with themself, but yet every other line is about escape. Stating they want to be free, new and different, literally ANYthing they aren't. If there is ever a day when I am asking, begging for a break or a complete escape, I am not quite sure what I would do.

Now, we all at one point or another have had "enough." Enough of a certain situation, enough of a person, enough of a job or horrible circumstance. But those are situations surrounding you that barely scratch the surface of who we truly are. Just because a situation is not quite as ideal as we would like, does not mean we have to completely run and be freed from ourselves. Over the past 6 months I have become a new person in many ways. I have gained closure on my past, I have learned many painful and harsh lessons and grown in many ways. But that does not mean I have simply run away from my past and "escaped" those circumstances.

Instead I have accepted that my past, the person that I used to be, is exactly what has shaped the person I am today. Without willingly bearing the pain, allowing myself to be vulnerable and admitting that my life was not ideal, I would never have made it through the past 6 months. Life is meant to be a learning experience. As Jason would say, "It takes some tears to make you trust, it takes those tears to make it rust, it takes the dust to have it polished...It takes some silence to make sound, It takes a loss before you found it. It takes a road to go nowhere, it takes a toll to make you care, it takes a hole to make a mountain."

Without the give and take, the ups and downs, the accomplishments and inadequacies, we would never learn and progress in life. And, along the same line, without taking responsibility for our circumstances and realizing that we truly do have the ability and control to create the ideal life, we will get absolutely nowhere. This concept seems so simple, yet is very likely one of the most profound philosophies in life. But so many people sadly completely miss the point. So many people want to place the responsibility and blame on other people, on circumstances or surroundings. The only thing we have absolute control over in life is our reaction, our own acceptance or denial of circumstances, our innate ABILITY to create a life worth living.

Again, as Jason would say, "Life is wonderful!" It truly is wonderful, beautiful and meaningful if we choose to make it that way. I don't want to be anything I'm not. I want to be EVERYthing I AM. Every up, down, tear, smile and person that has helped shaped the person I am today has helped create EVERYthing I ever wanted to be!

Downtime...

So, as of 4 days ago, I am DONE with Fall semester! However, today has been the first day that I have actually had a break to just be lazy. I have to admit, now that every piece of clothing I own is clean AND put away or hung up (I know...it's a miracle!), I am a little bored! I have a whole month off of school before student teaching starts and I am just hoping that the boredom doesn't last. I mean, in a few weeks Christmas will be here and I will be with lots of friends and fam up in Utah. But until then, I hope I can learn to enjoy the downtime and just relax!

It's funny, when I am the midst of a busy semester and stressed to my limits, I beg and pray for some downtime. I like to call them "lazy days" where I can just chill, maybe watch movies all day, blog, work on my book, whateva! But now that I have that, I am drawing blanks! It seems my mind works best when I have a lot going on. See, I am a 100% self-professed procrastinator. Ask anyone that knows me well...they will tell you I leave most everything until the last minute! If I attempt to start a school project a week or even just a few days ahead of time, I can NOT focus! I find so many other things to do. But when I know something is due the next day, or even in just a few hours, I can pump out a 5-page essay in no time. And yes, it's quality work, or else I wouldn't be on the Dean's Honors List with straight A's!

So the question becomes...what to do?!? Do I force myself to enjoy the downtime? Do I fill my nights with more dancing to brush up on my skills? Do I pick up a new hobby in the next 3 weeks? Though, I don't really like the idea of a new hobby in 3 weeks because I probably won't get very far! Not that I don't like to learn new things, but the thing I really don't like is starting something I never get around to finishing. I think I will do some dancing..."Nobody puts Baby in a corner," right?!?

Anyways...I guess I need to find that balance in life again. I need to work at being happy with downtime and accepting it for what it is...a chance to replenish myself, my mind, and my sleep! But I don't want to become a lazy bum just sitting around the whole time either. As nervous as I am, I absolutely can not wait to start my student teaching! And, really, this next month will fly by with the holidays before I know it.

So...here's to downtime...here's to actually having time for yourself to get things in check and enjoying life day in and day out. I can actually catch up on my shows or go dancing on a whim without feeling guilty about having some paper to write or lesson plan to prepare! Woohoo! That's a great feeling!

Thanksgiving Without My Family...

So this year for Thanksgiving my family is going to be spread out pretty much everywhere! My parents just left today for Maine. They get to spend the holiday with Kate and her family, as well as visit with my dad's family. My other sister will be with friends, while Josh is staying home in Michigan. Don will be heading to California with his family and Crockett will be down here in Vegas. And then there is me...heading to Utah to spend Thanksgiving with my close friend, celebrating what they call a "Texas Thanksgiving" complete with a deep fried turkey and chili!

As excited as I am to be with friends and enjoy the holiday, I am realizing I will really miss my family. I don't like us being spread so far apart, and I don't remember any holiday that I have spent without some sort of family. Initially, I was excited...relaxing at my friend's house, enjoying the holiday without any familial obligations. I have joked around about having no schedules to follow, no appointments to meet. But now I am not so sure! I am already missing my parents, as I just got off the phone with them since they just off the plane. They were in Kate's car driving back to her house to see my Lexi, Livi and Maddie. It's an interesting feeling to be homesick while still at home! But that's exactly what I would call it.

As crazy busy and chaotic as our family get-togethers tend to get it, I think that is what I love most about them! It will be an adjustment to have a cozy Thanksgiving dinner with only 5 people.

My family is the best on the entire planet. I am the baby of 6 children and have a great connection with every single one of my siblings and their spouses, and all of my nieces and nephews. Sure, we have our typical disagreements or arguments, but as we grown older, those stupid little disagreements mean absolutely nothing in the scheme of things and hold less and less importance. Just the other day my brother and I were having a great little texting banter back and forth about the BYU - Utah football game. We cheer for different teams and love giving each other a hard time, but in the end, it's all in good fun.

Just last week I paid for my graduation and found out the specific date. I immediately texted all my siblings to let them know the date, and all but one will be here! It brought tears to my eyes as I received responses from them about how they will definitely save the date and be there to support me on my special day that has been a LONG time coming. I realized how supportive and loving my family has been through my entire college career. It may have taken me longer than others, but the point is that I am getting there and it IS going to actually happen! It was the cutest thing when Hannah, my 11 year old niece, asked me if I would be walking at graduation to get my diploma. When I told her I absolutely would be, she asked if she could come. It was the cutest thing ever! It would make my graduation to have my little nieces there for support.

I get more and more excited for Christmas this year where I will at least get to be with 3 of my 5 siblings and their families. We will get to open presents together, enjoy the snow and sledding for a few days, and fully get into the spirit of what Christmas is truly about. Throughout my life my family has been nothing but loving and supportive of me and I know that back-up strength is what has helped me through. Sometimes I get excited when my parents leave town for 3 or 4 days. But this time they will be gone for 10 days and I'm thinking it's going to get a little lonely. Sure, some look at me as a sad little 29 year old still living off her parents. But I aboslutely can NOT complain! My parents and I have an amazing relationship. We have learned to set boundaries with each other so I still have my life, but I have gotten used to coming home and having discussions with my parents about class or tests or grades I have received.

My parents are the most amazing, inspiring people ever. Next year they will be celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary and we will have a very large celebration for them and their life. They only get cuter with age...in my opinion a very distinguished and accomplished couple. They are constantly working at having a stronger marriage and love spending time with each other. It's so comforting for me to watch them and see the strength in their marriage, but yet also being able to distinguish their separate personalities. If there is any truth to the saying, "opposites attract", my parents should become the poster couple! But the ways in which they compliment each other are so successful and productive and now they spend their time making sure to travel the country as often as possible to spend quality time with their children and grandchildren.

So, as much fun as I will have in Utah with friends, I will also terribly miss my family. I will miss every single one of them! Hopefully I will get to see a few siblings in passing, but we will not be together on the actual day of Thanksgiving. As I watch the pictures flash by on the digital picture frame, I am reminded of family get-togethers in the past and long for those reunions once again. They say friends come and go, but family is always there. My family is ALWAYS there! No matter what the issue may be, I know I have at least one sibling to call on to help with the situation.

Here's to my family...HAPPY THANKSGIVING to all of you! I will miss you all terribly, but will think of you and hope that where ever you may be, you are having an enjoyable and safe Thanksgiving! I LOVE YOU ALL!!!

Clarification...

***I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE CLEAR ABOUT MY RECOVERY THAN I AM RIGHT NOW***

I feel the need to clarify a few things on my blog and the newsletter. I have received some feedback lately in terms of me relapsing or making some bad decisions over the past few months. However, things have been grossly misunderstood!
Let me be extremely clear about one thing...I am not, have not, nor will I ever relapse! I have gone through some stressful times. Stress is a part of life. The key lies in how we respond to that stress. I am not a stress eater. I tend to completely lose my appetite and must remind myself to eat when I am under a heavy load of stress.
I have made a few comments recently about loving my saltines, losing some weight, and dealing with the stress. However, I have also made some comments in my blog and newsletter about the reality of the recovery process...because it is just that...a PROCESS! Just because I have a bad day, or even a bad month, and my eating is not completely up to par does not mean I am relapsing. I am VERY aware that my intake is down. Which is why I cling to my saltines. I will not force myself to eat large meals if my stomach is telling me it can't handle it. I am not underweight, ill, gaunt looking or pale. I am far from it.
I am simply dealing with the stress as it comes. If anyone that is reading this is attempting to fight an eating disorder and get to recovery, realize this is a process! Realize this is not an alarming situation, rather another step on my journey to recovery. I have referred to ed throwing bricks at my window panes, and right now he is doing just that. But guess what? I KNOW HE IS DOING IT! I am not hiding from it, trying to avoid it, or stuff the feelings that are there. I am facing them. But it will not change overnight.
I can accept that this is a temporary situation. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and know that as long as I keep myself in check, I will be able to keep ed back there in my subconscious. I can already assure you he is tiring out, and quickly at that. His voice is getting more and more distant as each day passes and I work through my emotional stress. And as I work through another layer of stress, I am able to add more intake to my diet. I do not thrive off of my weight loss. I am not addicted to checking the scale every day to see if I lost more. I do not purposefully avoid meals or hunger pains...if I were, then that would be a problem and definitely considered a relapse.
Rather, I am aware that my weight has dropped and am working on finding a balance. I do not get a high when my doctor mentions I have lost weight, it simply serves as a reminder for me to continue fighting. I do not avoid my hunger pains...when my body speaks to me through groans in my stomach, I listen and feed it as much as it will accept.
I am human. I do not pretend to be perfect on my road to recovery and am grateful that I am not still obsessed with perfection. I can accept that there will be one or two set backs...and I look forward to those set backs. Because when I fight through them, learn something new about myself, learn a new lesson in life, then I have succeeded once again! And I WILL continue to succeed on this road to recovery. I will continue to fight and will never lie about my struggles. They are real. They are there and I will not ignore an opportunity to gain more wisdom, an opportunity to get to know myself better than ed does, and an opportunity to push ed further back into my subconscious. THAT is real recovery and THAT is what I will forever fight for.

Reality Bites...(sometimes!)

*** This is the bracelet for Eating Disorder Awareness...someday I will get myself one!

It is now 1pm...13 hours after I expected my life to completely change. 13 hours after I assumed a specific date and strike of the minute-hand would somehow transform my life into the perfect scene - that scene where I am part of the "Jones" family. Ya know, the fmaily that everyone is envious of. Maybe I could be Marsha Jones that everybody liked (course, we all know that didn't turn out so well for her!) Or perhaps I could be Cindy Jones...it fits...with the blonde curly hair (I was quite blonde as a child). Either way, it wasn't the material possessions that the "Jones" apparently possessed that I was after. No...It was that persona, complete with perma-grin and a demeanor of what looked like perfect, genuine happiness and constant joy. Oh...how appealing that was to me! And, quite naively, I had this whole fairytale scenario in my head; I would become a REVERSE Cinderella! When that clock struck midnight, the ugly frog (I could use other, more choice words here, but I will censor) ed, would turn into my beautiful handsome prince. And almost instantaneously my heart would be lifted, all wounds would be healed. My glass slippers, of course would be red, but they would stay on my feet regardless of how many line dances I had previously performed! Oh, and my fairy Godmother would be there to wave her magical wand, causing all of that pain and despair to, **POOF**, disappear!










***REALITY...

13 hours into the day, I have still had 2 panic attacks. I still have some of the pain - and the memories are being held by ed, who I have recently discovered or acknowledge, has found a very comfortable compartment in the back of my sub-conscious in which to live. Ed is perched there, throwing brick after brick at these window panes that lead into my subconscious. It's funny, with how smart he claims to be, he doesn't even realize that those panes are now 3 windows thick (1 for each year of recovery!) and there is no way he will be busting through them all. But still, he will try, day in and day out, to toss these bricks and attempt to break through back into my conscious mind, where his voice tends to get a little louder, and much more convincing. However, I know for sure, he will never completely break back into my conscious mind. He may make a few dents, he may even shatter one or two panes when I am at my most vulnerable point...I have come to realize that he may always be there. But, more and more dust will continue to accumulate on and around him, slowly suffocating him, my window panes getting thicker and stronger with each passing year causing those bricks to simply bounce off my window pane and smack ed in the face...but I seriously doubt he will ever completely surrender. Another thing I know for sure is how sneaky and shady ed can be. He is an amazing liar. He can tell you your life is going straight to hell, and seriously, you can't wait for the ride. His commentary is soothing, his voice firm yet powerful...something many girls seek in a man. Plus, ed makes sure he is ALWAYS available...even when you don't call on him. He is ever present and he will step in at that exact moment when you are at your breaking point.

Ed is relentless and not easily offended. He will attempt to come back time after time, regardless of all the various ways you tried writing him off the first time. He gets over those hurtful words quickly and only uses them to fuel his fire and convince us we are wrong. If we believe we are wrong, we then feel weak. Once you feel weak, you are fair game for ed so watch your back!


Now...I do not bring up these points to scare or deter anyone from the purpose of my writing. I try to keep it as REAL as I possibly can. If I had stepped into treatment 3 years ago and my therapist said, hey, in about 6 months, life will be back to normal...right now, I would probably be hunting her down looking for some sort of explanation. Many sufferers, in treatment or not, still struggle with separating themselves from ed and his games. That was me..."No one shoved my fingers down my throat, this is MY responsibility, what is wrong with ME?!?" But that is NOT the point! The point is that there was some sort of traumatic incident that perpetuated, over time, a lack of self esteem. It perpetuated a lack of belief in self and a lack of self worth. That pain is beyond any pain that can ever fully be put into words, but just know, it is living a hell all it's own and is extremely difficult to overcome.

I am in strong recovery, 3 years later, because I worked w/a therapist that was real with me. She let me know this was a process. This was going to take time. She let me know it would be painful and never did "sugarcoat" a thing. And I would not have wished it any other way. To have some idea of what to expect over the years of recovery, helped me put things in perspective when I was completely lost. And, even still, with the painful memories, with the stresses of life, and a few traumatic experiences, I realize that I am exactly where I am supposed to be on my road to recovery.

Sarah's Philosophy

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined."
~ Henry David Thoreau

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens. "
~ Kahlil Gibran

"I don’t think of all the misery, but of all the beauty that still remains."
~ Anne Frank

Allow Yourself To Be FREED!!!

As I commented on Red's blog, I came to some more conclusions that I need to share. Red is struggling with letting go of some of her past. Because as awful and painful as those situations have been, they still have been instrumental in making her the amazing person she is today. (And she really is amazing!)

So...keeping that in mind, I am setting a new challenge for myself. From now own, I will not allow my past experiences to confine me. I will not be ruled by the guilt and shame that we all, as humans, experience in our lives. I will not allow those painful memories to bog me down, play mind games with me, or cause me to doubt myself.

I WILL, however, allow myself to be FREED by those experiences! This may sound like an extremely cheesy analogy...but bear with me for just a few! As I am sitting here typing, the carpet in our home is being cleaned. 2 men have been here for 3 hours slaving away at making our creamish-beigish carpet look like new. Just 4 hours ago, there were a few black marks, a few spots where children have spilled juice, a spot from where I spilled my precious Diet Coke (oops!) and the signs of carpet that has been trampled on, day in and day out, for the past 6 months. Hmmmm... months of wear and tear has been virtually erased within a matter of hours. This carpet's past is gone! Right now there are large fans blowing a new, fresh air onto the carpets so they can dry completely in their renewed state.

I believe the same goes for us human beings walking around, day in and day out, being trampled on, possibly trampling on others (intentional or not), soul's stained by the rigors of everyday life. The difference is that we have emotions, thoughts, and the ability to learn and grow. I have to backtrack a little because there is one stain that is not completely gone (the Diet Coke one...it can be brutal on carpet!). But the stain has definitely faded. That stain will always be there, reminding me not to have Diet Coke in arm's length of a rambunctious 2 year old! It is there reminding me of a mistake I ONCE made, but will never make again.

As humans, we never fully rid ourselves of the stains that represent life's experiences. But over time, those stains fade, those memories turn to gray. They don't have to completely hold us down or prevent us from moving on. We are not "ruined" because we made some mistakes. In fact, those mistakes are what help us progress to becoming more perfect beings. But it will take much longer than this lifetime to reach a state of perfection!

So, just remember, it is not our actions that define us. The mistakes we make do not make us who we are. They teach us the lessons necessary to become the person Heavenly Father always knew we could be. If only we could have that same faith in ourselves, we could constantly see the amazing people we are, even in a flawed and imperfect state. It takes time to heal from the past, but it is very possible and must be done on your own timeline to ensure you have learned the lesson intended for you to learn.

So good luck...keep your head up! Instead of living in a state of self-induced confinement, allow yourself to be FREED!!!

***They are GONE***

Three years ago, I was in treatment trying to let go of my issues with myself, my body and my detrimental coping skills. One day in group we decided to have a "burning". We were all going to burn something that we wanted to truly get rid of, once and for all. For me, it was the diet pills. I wanted to be rid of them and the awful effects they had not only on my body, but my mind as well. It was the hardest day I experienced while in treatment, but also became the turning point. As I watched the smoke rise and slowly disappear, through my tears, I knew I could beat this. My therapist came up to me and hugged me and all she said was, "They are gone, Sarah. They are gone." That was all I needed to hear to fully let them go.

Now, three years later, in strong recovery, I have finally let go of the last painful part of that experience. My extremely supportive and loving friends were there with me as I burned my painful journals that very descriptively and painfully documented my journey through the worst time of my life.

Beth and I loaded my car and headed up to Salt Lake where I met up with a friend that I was in treatment with. We caught up on old times, laughed and shared. And then the real work began. As my friend and I read through my journals one night, I felt as if I was completely re-living my hellish past. I could feel the tug in my throat as I read about a purging session, I could feel the tightness in my chest as the anxiety rose, palms sweaty and heart racing all at the same time. It was very surreal, and I even laughed at quite a few entries wondering if I was really reading MY journals. Thankfully there are many aspects of that point in my life that I hardly remember. Others are still painfully close to the surface. But, for the most part, going through those journals and feeling that pain gave me the confirmation I needed that burning them was the right thing to do.

The next morning Beth, BJ and I all got in my car and headed up the canyon. During the drive, I became overwhelmed with feelings of shame and regret as those memories continuously flooded my mind. I felt guilty that my friends were having to take time out of their day to come with me and embark on this journey of closure that I was seeking. I know that was ed attempting to nudge himself back in one last time...trying to deter me at the last minute and change my mind. Luckily that did not happen. It was freezing cold up the canyon and the wind was blowing pretty good so it took a few tries to get the fire started. But once it was flaming strong, there was no turning back.

Initially I was fairly somber. I wasn't exactly sure what to feel. Mostly, I was cold! I was trying so hard to ignore my bluish-purple fingers and focus on the fire. Once we had 2 or 3 journals in the fire, it finally started giving us some heat, and I was able to warm up. Suddenly I got very excited! I was hyper almost, loving the sight of those painful words turning to ashes as the smoke floated away.

At one point, one of my journals fell open as I tossed it into the fire. I can not fully explain the relief I felt as I watched the words on the pages literally go up in flames and disappear for good. I guess you could say it was very "cleansing" for me as I came to realize that those words would be gone forever. There is no pieceing together the ashes that were left in the fire pit. Although very freeing, that was also my lowest point of the burning. The tears began flowing and there was no stopping them. I felt safe with my supportive friends, so allowed the tears and the pain to completely flood my heart and mind. Without the pain, I would not gain the closure I am in such a desperate search for.

I am so grateful for the difficult experiences I have gone through in my life. I am grateful for the pain that has completely bogged me down this year, and the lessons I have learned while going through the pain. I wanted this year to be real. I wanted to allow myself to feel the pain, hopefully one last time, so that in future years this milestone will truly become a celebration of my new life and the strides I have made since letting go of my eating disorder. It was a part of my life, on and off, for 14 years. I made the choice to let go of that part of my life, and as far as I am concerned, there is no turning back. I took what I needed from those experiences, held onto the good, gained closure on the bad, and continue to learn more about myself and grow each and everyday.

There truly is joy to be found in the journey. Although I look forward to October 25th and the true celebration that I will participate in, the weeks leading up to that day have been more painful then I ever could have imagined. However, I am also seeing that life goes on. Work is always there, there is always homework and studying to be done, and I need to acknowledge that. I so look forward to my future. I look forward to the genuine happiness I have found in discovering the true, real Sarah.

I can't end this without acknowleding those that have been so instrumental on this amazing journey for me. Of course, my parents and family have always been so loving and helped me keep my focus on what is most important in life. I have worked with many great doctors and therapists along the way...mainly Bobbi, Susan and Beverly. I have made many new friends on my journey, and I am a true believer in the fact that people cross our paths for specific reasons. There are too many to mention, but you know who you are, and I truly hope you know how much your support and unconditional love has meant for me.

Although I am allowing myself 10 more days to fully process this situation and the experiences of my past, I can not wait until I am able to reach out to others. For my own sanity, I have to concentrate on keeping myself in check and must set my boundaries. But, no worries, I will be back and better then ever in no time! Hopefully I will be able to reach out and turn my own life experiences into a source of strength for others that may be struggling. I know I didn't go through such a hellish experience for my own sake. I know I have a duty to reach out and share my experiences. Just know this is only the beginning!

Beautiful, Yet Rough Time Of Year...

This time of year is always difficult for me. I absolutely LOVE Fall and Halloween and the change in weather, etc. However, it was also three years ago that I was going through the absolute hardest time of my life. I was having this discussion with friends the other night, friends that have gone through tough and dramatic situations, and asked them how they deal with the "anniversary" of such events.

It got me thinking that I really need to turn this time of year into a celebration. Instead of those memories bogging me down and becoming possible triggers for me, I need to look at this time of year as literally when I "turned over a new leaf"! An orange one at that...since I especially love the colors this time of year!

I want to escape...I want to go see someone I met exactly 3 years ago, who has become a lifelong friend in Salt Lake. I want to go visit a friend in Idaho that has known me since I was 13 years old...and still loves and accepts me! I want to actually go back to Tennessee (even though I hated living there) and visit someone that also became a very close friend. I want to go to Maine and visit my sister in her new mansion 2 minutes from the beach. I want to go to Manhattan and see a broadway...on Broadway.

But on the other hand, I want to go on with my life, crazy as it is right now. I don't want to make this time of year into something big because I want those memories to eventually fade to black. I only want to remember one day...the day I graduated and started my REAL recovery and that was October 25, 2005. THAT is a day to celebrate. A day to commemorate and a day to always remember. But the 8 weeks prior...no....I want to let them go. I am tired of feeling the pain of those 8 weeks. I am tired of feeling the shame and fear, the pressure and confusion, the fatigue and anger of facing an eating disorder head on. As each year passes, the memories do begin to gray, but I want that to happen now! Yes, of course I had breakthrough days, "aha" moments, and great things that happened in treatment. But at the same time, none of those were fully realized or implemented until I graduated and moved on with my life.

SO, here I am, 3 weeks out from that one day that I truly look forward to, and I find myself feeling bogged down again by those memories. I realize I have the power to change that. I realize it is up to me to decide to completely let go of that past. But for whatever reason, I haven't quite figured out how to do that! Maybe this will be my year. Maybe 3 weeks from now I will finally be able to let go of my journals from that painful time. I have always considered a bonfire out in the mountains somewhere, simply because it is such a symbolic thing to participate in. As the smoke rises and disappears, so does the pain and the fear and the shame. I guess I have a lot of thinking to do over the next 3 weeks, in the hopes that this will be the year!

Until then, I will do my best to be happy each day. To find the joy in the journey, to be grateful for my health and well-being. I will find the brighter side of the leaf each and everyday, and continue to progress along my path in life, hopefully surrounded by friends and family, with the help and guidance of my Savior, having learned the lessons fully intended for ME to learn on MY path in this life.

Speed Bumps...

Life should be happy. Life should be filled with joy and excitement and ambition and fun. Of course God has to throw in a few speed bumps here and there to make us more appreciative of the good times, but I think the key is how we choose to respond to those speed bumps. Do you come to a complete stop prior to the speed bump, trying to anticipate how hard it may or may not be to get over? Do you stand there analyzing the dynamics of the speed bump and think of ways to get around it? Speaking of getting around a speed bump...have you ever tried that? I certainly have, and although I still make it around ok, have you ever thought about where you end up? IN THE GUTTER!!!
Do you get half way over the speed bump and then stop in terror, in a holding pattern, trying to balance your tires so you don't fall either way? Do you pound the gas pedal and fly over the bump, laughing at the fun ride, just hoping you didn't bottom out? Or do you cautiously tap your breaks, take it nice and easy, and make it to the other side ready to push on???.....
I'm sure we all have experienced various ways of getting over or around a speed bump and have found what works best. I typically either tap my breaks and get over it cautiously but safely, or try to go around it, end up hitting the gutter, and splash my car with muddy water.
Metaphorically speaking, I used to keep myself in a holding pattern, dead-center in the middle of the bump, afraid of the consequence on either side. Maybe it was holding a grudge. Maybe it was refusing to tell someone if they did or said something that offended me. Maybe it was assuming all the wrong things and becoming WAY too sensitive over a situation. No matter what it was that was holding me hostage, it was a choice I made to keep me stuck.
I no longer want to be stuck. Certain situations call for cautious exploration of what lies ahead. It's good to be prepared for things that are sometimes foreseeable. Sometimes that dirt that splashed on me from going around a situation was much less damaging then going straight through the middle of it. And sometimes, just for the thrill of it, I sped right through a situation, but missed the lesson at hand.

At this point in my life, though, I refuse to waste anymore time contemplating on what to do. Mistakes WILL be made. Feelings WILL be hurt and misunderstandings WILL take place. However, those that know me (and I mean TRULY know me), realize that I would never purposefully do anything to offend or hurt someone else. I am not a mind reader and I don't pretend to be, nor do I want to be! I do what I feel is right most of the time. On those occasions when I am just having a bad day, again, my friends know that is all it is and have learned not to take things personally. We all have busy lives. And hopefully those busy lives are filled with purpose and love and people that will slap you and say, "Hey, Sarah, quit being such a little brat and snap out of it!" The person that won't say that to me is the person that is not a true friend.
So...make time in your life for people that bring genuine happiness and add QUALITY and REALNESS to your life! Anything else is a waste of time and energy. This life is a fast, short ride. Make the best of it! Be REAL about it...for the sake of others and especially for your OWN sake!

***IT'S OVER!!!***

So...I do believe that tonight has been the greatest night I have had basically all summer! As of 6:55 PM, I officially completed my summer semester! Actually, I was SO done at about 5:50 when the professor gave us a break, that I ducked out of class early! If you have read any of my blog, you know that this has, by far, been the absolute most difficult summer of my life! Taking 5 classes in the summer is basically insane, but I had to do it to keep myself on track...not because I was trying to be Superwoman!

It was quite interesting as I walked out of the building. Slowly, with each step, I felt the tension begin to unravel. I could almost see the stress seeping out of my flip-flops each time my foot hit the ground. Can you picture Forrest Gump...running free from his leg braces?!? Well, that was me, only my leg braces were a complete body cast, extra thick in the back and neck, made of stress and tension and frustration and fatigue. I had a whole montage of the Rocky theme song, Eye of the Tiger, and "Run, Sarah, Run!" going through my head! Something so insignificant and minimal to anyone else was a moment of complete and utter freedom, celebration and instant gratification like I have never before experienced. It was like the water bursting out of the fountains at the Belagio!

So, now, for the next TEN whole days, I get to breathe! I get to relax and have fun. I don't have to worry about homework, studying, attending class, posting for my online class, preparing lesson plans, etc. A friend of mine asked me what I plan to do with my week off and all I could come up with, initially, was NOTHING! I don't want to pack everyday with billions of things to do. Excluding a short road trip, or some quality time at the gym, I'm not sure I want to leave the house! There are certain people that I will absolutely make time for...and I look forward to that quality time without the stress of school always lingering in the back of my head. Either way, it's going to be a great week!

It's funny how external situations wreak so much havoc on our bodies. As I went to the O.D., he was slightly appalled as he had to crack 6 ribs back into place last week, and another 8 vertebrae back into place this week. No accidents, no phycial injury, no over-exercising to speak of...simply stressing over school has turned my muscles to rocks and literally knocked my back out of place. From now on, regardless of the level of stress, I'm going to do my best to listen to my body and recognize the effects of stress early on. It's just not worth it to continually ignore the signs that something is not quite right and keep pushing our bodies to limits that really aren't necessary. Had I kept tabs on my back, I could have started early on in the summer and gotten adjusted more often. However, because I put it off so long, there are knots the size of limes that will take a long time and lot of massage to ultimately work out.

But, at this point, I am just very grateful that I survived such a rigorous summer, that things turned out well, and I am able to regroup just in time for the Fall semester. It really is a blessing to have the opportunity to go to school and further my education, and is something I try not to take for granted. Even with all the stress and my complaining about that stress, I would never trade a moment of this experience for anything in the world! And it really is a blessing to have friends in life that care, and go to great efforts to show they care. In fact, just recently at the end of a very stressful day, I came home to find a huge boquet of pink and yellow roses, some of my favorite chocolate and candy, and of course a bottle of diet coke just waiting for me on my dresser. It was one of the sweetest things and most thoughtful things anyone has ever done for me! Definitely made my week and helped to lighten the load...just the knowledge that someone else recognized the difficult time and made an effort to reach out.

So, this marks the beginning of a nice 10-day vacation which I will enjoy to its fullest! Part of me is ready to relax, but a small part is ready to hit Fall semester and keep myself on the learning train for one more semester! I want to regroup, but also keep up the momentum!!! BRING IT ON!!!

Serenity Among The Clouds...

I recently found myself 35,000 feet above the ground on a plane, flying back home. I suddenly realized that being on a plane is one of my favorite places to be! Why?!? Because sitting there...chair reclined...Jack Johnson or Jason Mraz or Duffy pumping through my ipod...I am completely alone. Not to sound like a loner by any means, but there is a certain appeal to being alone, figuratively speaking. Realistically, I was surrounded by 150 strangers. However, the keyword in that sentence is "strangers"! That is what makes me alone.

When I am in the sky, there is not a soul in the world that can get ahold of me. It does not matter what kind of chaos is going on down below, I am completely immune. I happen to be a texting fiend. It does not matter what is going on...except for church, I am always texting. ALWAYS! In fact, when I am on the ground, I feel completely naked if I leave the house and forget my phone. It's basically sheer panic and I don't know what I will do. What if someone needs me? What if I have to call my girls to tell them about the major sale going on? It's just not cool. Unfortunately I am one that absolutely can NOT imagine life before cell phones!

So...here's the deal...when I am on a plane, 35,000 feet above the ground...I don't care that I don't have access to my phone. I don't panic. I don't freak out. I don't lose sleep! In fact, the serenity I feel is undeniable. Have you ever been on a plane, sat in the window seat, and actually took the time to look out the window?!? I mean SERIOUSLY looked out the window? Everytime I fly, I request the window seat. Peering through those tiny window panes, I am thoroughly awed and amazed at the never-ending sky. I can stare at it for hours, and my level of amazement only increases. There are only 2 things that can happen in a plane...the unthinkable can happen, and you can crash. OR...you can sit there being served and relaxing while literally floating above the clouds. There is nothing but piercing blue skies above and pure white clouds below. You are trapped between two levels of miraculous creations placed there specifically for you and me.

My thoughts are their clearest when I'm on a plane. There is nothing going on in the background to distract me. There is nothing that I can do besides relax and explore those thoughts. I can make no excuses...there is no laundry or cleaning to be done...there is no email to return...there are no voicemails to respond to. To me...THAT is pure serenity! I typically imagine bouncing on the clouds as if they were a huge trampoline. I try to picture the people in the cities below, wonder what they are doing and the stresses they are dealing with. Then we pass over land that has not been developed...the vast desert or mountain range...and again I am taken aback by the miraculous beauty. When I witness, with my very own eyes, the beauty of my surroundings, I am overwhelmed with love and gratitude. I realize that earth is a gift; airplanes are a gift; people are a gift and my life is a ginormous gift!

Wow...suddenly I am able to see the big picture and the little things quickly lose significance. That is an amazing feeling. Life is peaceful in the sky. I decided that although I have my serenity in the clouds, I never would be able to appreciate it without the struggles. ***LIVING...LOVING...DREAMING...HOPING***

That is how I want to live my life. To me, living means loving as well as losing. It means dreaming as well as having nightmares. It means hoping as well as being disappointed. Happy living is much more meaningful and poignant when I have something to compare it to. It is something I cling onto when I have gone through situations that have caused me to lose it temporarily. And knowing that based on my own decisions, it truly can be only temporary, makes me feel extremely serene and peaceful.

P.S...these pics are ones I actually snapped while on the plane. LOVE THEM!!! Hope you do too...

Emotional Constipation...

Well, Miss J. Poo-cell asked me to expand on this concept of "Emotional Constipation". At first glance, you can't help but crack up at the idea. However, take a second look and you will see that there is actually quite a bit behind such a comical term.

So...I am pretty sure we all, at some point, have experienced an inability to fully express our feelings. I remember when I was in treatment how painful that can really be. Typically, "holding it in" emotionally is self-induced. We choose not to express our feelings either out of fear, building too many walls, or pain. My situation, however, was basically drug-induced. The psychiatrist put me on some kind of anti-depressants that completely numbed me out. I was 3 weeks into treatment and should have been experiencing all kinds of emotions! However, I sat there in group unable to cry, unable to genuinely laugh, unable to get angry, etc. The only thing I felt was fear. I feared I would never make it through treatment without feeling some kind of pain. I knew it couldn't be that easy. I begged and begged to be taken off the meds, but they kept stalling, telling me I wasn't "stable" enough to fly solo. Again, I knew I could not fully recover unless I felt the pain of treatment. So, I took myself off the meds and it was the best choice I ever made.

Within days I was crying like Jennie would if she missed Zac Efron's live performance. I was as angry as Joy would be if Edward were killed or burned at the stake. I could laugh like it was the "Nightmare before Elm Street". That is what I call an emotional laxative. The emotions would flow like the waters of Niagara, and were as unpredictable as the attitudes of my Beehives.

Had I never gone off the meds and experienced that real genuine pain, I would never have learned my lesson and never been able to fully recover. If you ask me, Emotional Constipation is toxic and debilitating.

The inability to express our emotions, and release them as they come, eventually causes complete and utter weakness. No one can fully function with so much bottled inside that they can hardly breathe. It's not healthy to deny those emotions and stuff them. We experience them for specific reasons. That's not to say we need to linger or hold onto them...we just need to acknowledge them and then let them go! Keep in mind, we also need to keep a balance in all things. No need to completely wear all of our emotions on our sleeve.

What is necessary is to be HONEST with ourselves. If we are honest from the start, we will learn how to process those emotions. We will no longer fear the pain of vulnerability or fear the reactions of others. When you feel like crying...roll with it! When you feel angry...let it out! When you feel like laughing...do it till you cry! Who wants to live life in denial of something as essential as our God-given emotions?!? NOT ME!!!