Stop Looking for Obstacles...Start Looking for MAGIC!

I was talking to a friend the other day about a difficult situation she is going through. I am not sure why this particular conversation sparked such an awareness of vocabulary, but I suddenly noticed how often she used the phrase, "I can't..."

Have you ever stopped to think about your word choice? After this conversation, I realized that I also use the word "can't" quite often. I stopped to think about The Secret and the law of attraction and realized I have been a little out of practice lately! I saw a movie recently and one of the quotes in the movie was, "Stop looking for obstacles...start looking for magic!" To be honest, I didn't even pay a whole lot of attention to the rest of the movie after that line because I was so struck by such a simple concept.

I found myself analyzing my own life and my perception of the future. Although I have goals and dreams and high expectations for my future, at times I tend to think, "no, I can't do something like that. I'm not smart enough. I don't have the money," etc. etc. etc. WHY do we doubt ourselves?!? Instead of thinking of everything we can't do or don't feel capable of doing, we should begin thinking of the things we CAN do. Now, realistically, I'm sure there are things in life that we simply can't do, I'm not negating that fact. But why waste so much time focusing on those things if we can't or choose not to do them?!? Why not take all that energy and put it into the things we know we can do?!? And then, slowly, as we begin to focus on the small possibilities in life, I promise we will be amazed at how quickly those possibilities become endless.

I know it's cliche and I know it's borderline cheesy...but I am a firm believer in the idea that we create our own destiny. I know I have gotten stuck in ruts, as we all do at times, where it seems like the world is against me and nothing is going right. But as I think back on those experiences, I genuinely believe that my frame of mind is what kept perpetuating those difficult times. Had I been more positive from the beginning and learned to take those situations as lessons learned and small matters compared to the big picture, things would not have gotten as bad as I perceived them to be.

So...from here on out, I will do my best to focus on what I know I CAN do. I mean, honestly, we can always TRY, right?!? Instead of saying I can't run a marathon...why not say I CAN TRY to run a marathon? And then, if you find it proves to be difficult or too time consuming, you can always say you tried and have, at the very least, gotten in some good exercise for as long as it lasted! For those that struggle with ed and find yourself constantly saying, "I can't eat that," or "I can't keep this food down," think about what you CAN do. There are things that you can eat, you know your safety foods, and you know your limits. If you are having a rough day, stop thinking of everything you can't do and stick to what works for you. Then, when you feel stronger, you can begin stepping out of your comfort zone and attempt those things you have always told yourself you can't do, and at least say, " I CAN TRY!!!" I realize it is easier said than done, but I also feel that on some level, that is simply a cop-out. Life is hard...everything is easier said than done! But life, in order to be productive and meaningful, must also present challenges and obstacles. Just like they say that rules are meant to be broken, the same thing goes with obstacles...they are meant to be conquered and surpassed! But we have to make the conscious choice of convincing ourselves that we CAN, in fact, do it!

There is no failure in trying...there are no regrets when you have given it your best...but there can be enlightenment and growth in everything we at least attempt to do.

Misery IS Optional

The saying goes, "when it rains, it pours." At this point in my life, I do believe I could become the poster child for this slogan. All this talk of things happening in 3's, or hitting rock bottom in order to learn your lesson and pick yourself back up, have proved to be completely useless in my situation. The drama in my life has come more in sets of 10's or 20's, rather than 3's, and I swear, if I get any lower, I will be 6 feet under. So, for the sake of this posting and me being able to make sense of life in the recent months, I am going to throw all those superstitious sayings out the window and go with my gut instinct.

I genuinely believe I have a lot of lessons to learn in life. I think we all do, old or young, have many lessons to learn in life. I have said it in earlier posts and will say it again...life is constantly changing, and unless we are changing and adapting to the whirlwind, we will be left helpless, in a holding pattern, unable to move on and live a fulfilling life.

I recently heard a talk about tragedies faced in life and problems we all encounter at one point or another. But there was one line that particularly stood out for me. It was something along the lines of, "Pain and suffering are required in life...but misery is optional." WOW!!! This one hit me pretty hard!

Really, truly, think about that. MISERY IS OPTIONAL!!! If this is true, and I genuinely believe it is, then not ONE soul has the cop-out excuse of saying how miserable life is. NO...life is not miserable. But the way you are reacting to life is making you miserable. Absolutely, there are extremely severe situations that call for a time of mourning, a time of processing and fully moving past them and letting go of the anger or resentment caused by that situation. But TOO many people in this world literally GIVE UP THEIR POWER to the person or entity that has offended them or done them wrong in some way and continue to live in misery for months on end. WHY?!? Why, when there are so many outlets and resources in the world to help us all process difficult situations, would we choose to hold on to pain and resentment and anger? Why would we build our walls so high that not even the closest friend of family member can break through and help you find the light again.

I believe it is primarily due to fear. Fear of change. Fear of being pushed out of comfort zones. Personally, I say to hell with comfort zones! What is there to be learned when we are constantly in our comfort zone? We MUST branch out in this life and try new things, make new friends and learn new lessons. Things will not always turn out as we had intended or hoped they would, but guess what? They turned out EXACTLY as God would have had them turn out, and in the end, that's ALL that matters.

As I have gone through some extremely hellish experiences the past 6 months, I have also met this new group of friends that have turned out to be the greatest support network I EVER could have asked for! I kept questioning why so many things seem to be happening to me. But EVERYtime something major happened, I got a little closer to one of those people, and was able to establish new, genuine friendships in my life. I always knew I was NEVER alone in any one situation. So, although we walk through the darkness or feel the storm clouds constantly looming, if we are willing to keep working through it, we WILL find that there is always an amazing blessing in the end. I just pray I am never dense enough to overlook that blessing or lose the lesson at hand.

There is a purpose for every heartbreak. There is a purpose for every painful situation. Sometimes it's a matter of humbling us, sometimes a matter of reminding ourselves what is truly most important in life, and sometimes it is HUGE where we need to seriously re-vamp a certain aspect of our life. Either way, big or small, I will choose NOT to be miserable while in the situation. I will allow myself to experience the pain and suffering, but will not allow it to paralyze me to the point of helplessness or automatically becoming the "victim" in every situation. I am NOT a victim. I have choices. And no matter how many times I have to remind myself, or my supportive friends offer friendly words of advice, I will NEVER give up on avoiding misery. CHOOSE NOT TO LIVE IN MISERY!!!

Life Comes Full Circle

WOW! I am not exactly sure where to begin with this blog posting because it has been SO long since I have posted and SO much has happened in my life. I went through a very trying and rigorous experience as I completed my student teaching this past semester and I was tested in every possible way...physically, emotionally, mentally, etc. When that much pressure is placed on one person in such a short period of time, especially a person with my history, it is the perfect set up for a relapse.

But guess what?!? I have not ONCE even considered relapse! In fact, it has only made my convictions to keep myself in recovery even stronger. See, I know life is hard. That is a fact that no one will ever change, and we all will experience varying levels of difficulty as we go throughout life. I have said it before, and will say it again...WHAT TRULY MATTERS IS HOW WE CHOOSE TO RESPOND TO THE STRESSES OF LIFE!!!

Four years ago I was at my lowest point, desperate to find some treatment to help me beat my eating disorder and desperate to find some meaning in my life. Back then I thought my life had no meaning. Ed had taken over and I had completely lost myself. Now, 2 weeks ago, I walked across that stage at UNLV as my name was read as I graduated from college. Few thought this day would ever actually come for me...and I was included in those doubtful people. But...I DID IT!

It has been interesting over the past few weeks...how my life seems to have come full circle. Ironically I received a voicemail from the first therapist I ever worked with over 7 years ago when I initially started trying to fight my eating disorder. Within days, I ran into the first doctor that officially diagnosed me with an eating disorder, that again, I worked with over 7 years ago. Both were so happy for me and so proud of me to see where I am at today. And in the next week, I will be going to lunch with the therapist I worked with while in treatment, who truly helped me turn that corner and embark on my TRUE and lasting journey of recovery. I can't help but smile when I think of those 3 people and the impact they had on my life.

I do not say this in search of kudos from others. I say this because I want others out there to know that IT IS POSSIBLE! I can vaguely remember being at my lowest point and very seriously wondering if there actually was life after an eating disorder. I always thought that even if I stopped my "ed" behaviors, that ed would always be there trying to play mind games with me. I could not fathom life without body image issues or always getting on board with the next big diet craze out there. But now, 4 years later, those issues are the farthest thing from my mind! I can't even remember the last time I actually weighed myself. I enjoy going shopping for new clothes, regardless of the size on the label. I enjoy meeting with friends for lunch and enjoying a good meal and good conversation without having calorie counting constantly taunting me in the back of my mind.

There is SO much more to life than ed. There is so much more to life than looking thin in an outfit. There is SO much more to EVERY single one of us beneath this layer of skin that creates our physical body. If we choose to accept that, underneath it all, we are all spiritual beings on varying levels, all those outside appearances quickly lose their importance and we can focus on being good, loving, generous and thankful people. If we choose to acknowledge that our body's are a gift from God and should be treated with the utmost respect, we truly can accomplish so many things in this life.

And now I embark on a new chapter of my life. Now I find so much joy in reaching out to others that are still suffering and helping them find the excitement in life. There is nothing more rewarding than seeing the light and the life return to someone's eyes...a beautiful person inside and out...without the tauntings of ed in the background. If there is anything that makes my 14 years of suffering worth every second, it is seeing even one single person find themselves. It is seeing that person get excited about life! It is seeing that person gain a new determination to fight ed...and then seeing that person strong enough in their own recovery, to turn around and "Pay It Forward" and share with others what they have learned.

Do not face recovery by yourself, or for other people. CHOOSE recovery and reach out to supportive and loving people. CHOOSE to recover to create a full, meaningful life for yourself so that you can be a light to others. Many of us are mothers, aunts, sisters, daughters, granddaughters, etc. But when ed takes over, the true inner beauty of that person is lost and they become completely unrecognizable to their loved ones. But when ed is gone, that amazing person comes shining through and there is no denying it!

So, I challenge you...put your foot down. Stop ed in his tracks. Stand your ground, find your true, genuine self and create a LIFE WORTH LIVING for yourself. And I PROMISE you, as you do, you will find light and life and happiness that will overcome every being of your soul. YOU ARE WORTH IT! And I know, without a doubt, that you CAN do it! I am ALWAYS here for a word of advice, a meaningful conversation, or just a listening ear. ANYthing I can do to help stop this ugly disease and spread the word of love and joy is small compared to the blessings I have received and the life I now lead every single day. Please, contact me at anytime, if you are needing a little extra push to help keep you on your road to recovery and your journey to a happy, fulfilled life!

May you always be filled with love, laughter, and only the happiest of tears as you come to accept what an amazing and POWERful person you truly are!

EVERYthing I AM

It is Friday night at 9:41 pm and I am chilling on the couch, fireplace creating a relaxing glow in the background, listening to some Jason Mraz. And after this last chaotic week, there is nothing I would rather be doing.

I heard a new song a few weeks ago and have been contemplating the lyrics since. I love the song, it has a great beat and the artist has a great voice. However, when I really listened to the words, I questioned the purpose of the song. It is called "Anything I'm Not" and literally talks about wanting to be anything in this world, but yourself. So, of course, this got me pondering life and what could be so bad, so overwhelming, draining or depressing that you would sing about wanting to be anything BUT who you truly are.

Initially I cracked up. The first couple lines say, "I will never be, never ever be tall, no. I will never be, never ever be sure of it all." Clearly, I will never be tall! And I don't think ANY of us will ever be sure of it all. And if you think you are, that philosophy in itself proves you really don't have a grasp because, hey, denying the opportunity to learn something new is the first sign that really you are quite ignorant!

But as the song goes on, the artist wonders why the world has been so cruel, and expresses this sense of life being such a harsh reality. Really?!? Is it that bad? There is one acknowledgement of being happy with themself, but yet every other line is about escape. Stating they want to be free, new and different, literally ANYthing they aren't. If there is ever a day when I am asking, begging for a break or a complete escape, I am not quite sure what I would do.

Now, we all at one point or another have had "enough." Enough of a certain situation, enough of a person, enough of a job or horrible circumstance. But those are situations surrounding you that barely scratch the surface of who we truly are. Just because a situation is not quite as ideal as we would like, does not mean we have to completely run and be freed from ourselves. Over the past 6 months I have become a new person in many ways. I have gained closure on my past, I have learned many painful and harsh lessons and grown in many ways. But that does not mean I have simply run away from my past and "escaped" those circumstances.

Instead I have accepted that my past, the person that I used to be, is exactly what has shaped the person I am today. Without willingly bearing the pain, allowing myself to be vulnerable and admitting that my life was not ideal, I would never have made it through the past 6 months. Life is meant to be a learning experience. As Jason would say, "It takes some tears to make you trust, it takes those tears to make it rust, it takes the dust to have it polished...It takes some silence to make sound, It takes a loss before you found it. It takes a road to go nowhere, it takes a toll to make you care, it takes a hole to make a mountain."

Without the give and take, the ups and downs, the accomplishments and inadequacies, we would never learn and progress in life. And, along the same line, without taking responsibility for our circumstances and realizing that we truly do have the ability and control to create the ideal life, we will get absolutely nowhere. This concept seems so simple, yet is very likely one of the most profound philosophies in life. But so many people sadly completely miss the point. So many people want to place the responsibility and blame on other people, on circumstances or surroundings. The only thing we have absolute control over in life is our reaction, our own acceptance or denial of circumstances, our innate ABILITY to create a life worth living.

Again, as Jason would say, "Life is wonderful!" It truly is wonderful, beautiful and meaningful if we choose to make it that way. I don't want to be anything I'm not. I want to be EVERYthing I AM. Every up, down, tear, smile and person that has helped shaped the person I am today has helped create EVERYthing I ever wanted to be!