May You Have Fair Winds and Following Seas...

I was 23 years old and felt I was in the trenches. I had lived 23 years doing EVERY single thing that was asked of me. I was very active in church - never denied a calling - attended all the activities - attended church every Sunday. I worked my tail off trying to be as close to perfect as I could possibly, HUMANLY, achieve. I excelled in high school and college - played on every soccer league I could squeeze in my schedule - had a good relationship with my parents and family and would do anything to spend time with my nieces. On the surface, I was the "model" daughter, student, athlete, friend, mormon, etc...

However, between 23 and 24 years old, I began sinking. I was this buoy, bobbing around in this vast ocean of truth and beauty. But as I slowly lost touch with the spirit, I began losing that uplifting buoyancy and lost sight of the surface and the horizon, every subtly sinking into the darkness below. See, anger is heavy and can and WILL weigh down anyone and anything with it's negative energy. Despair clouds our vision causing us to lose sight of the path ahead. And here I was, wanting nothing more in life than a husband and family, neither of which I had yet been blessed with, causing that despair and fear to suffocate my every last breath. As I watched friend after friend getting married or having children, I smiled and congratulated them with this immaculate mask of excitement and joy. But under that mask, tears filled my soul...despair broke my heart time after time until I was sure the only thing that remained of my heart was its ability to beat each painful, desperate beat, attempting to keep me alive and afloat.
And then the fear imposed itself on my soul, like life-sucking barnacles weighing me down and pulling me into the darkness below. I felt hopeless. There was no one there to help set me free of the demons and fears that snuck up on me, one by one, until I no longer recognized my own spirit or soul. I was not living...only surviving. I became this permeable membrane, allowing the doubt and despair to penetrate my spirit so painfully deep that I literally let go of the loving, protective armor of God.

However, I am beginning to realize that the armor, the ever-loving shield of God has never floated away. It has NOT been swept away by the storms of life or the crashing waves or the vicious creatures circling round. That armor, MY armor, is still peacefully floating directly above me, beckoning me to let go of the struggle that lies beneath me, and simply reach above me and grasp that armor, holding on with EVERY bit of faith I can muster. I am slowly learning to detach myself from these life-sucking, heavy barnacles and obstacles in life, and begin fighting my way back to the surface where I can CLING to that armor that God has so lovingly sent to me, and allowed me access to AS I CHOOSE. It's cliche, but can't help it...If it is to be, it is up to ME!

I am learning to slowly breakthrough those traumas in life that have weighed me down, that have skewed my compass, that have completely sunk my spirit and passion in life. I am working my way back to the surface, the life-giving horizon filled with sun and light. I KNOW with all my heart it is there. HE is there...HE is beckoning me to make that leap of faith and grab hold to that armor that will build my spirit and fill my soul. Life will bring storms, the tempest will rage, the waves will crash...but with the armor of God as our most vital flotation device, we will survive, and stay afloat, and survive to see the clouds breaking and the sun shining through. May you have fair winds and following seas as you venture out in life, always clinging to that armor of God and having the flotation device of faith and love and the TRUE word of God!