Clarification...

***I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE CLEAR ABOUT MY RECOVERY THAN I AM RIGHT NOW***

I feel the need to clarify a few things on my blog and the newsletter. I have received some feedback lately in terms of me relapsing or making some bad decisions over the past few months. However, things have been grossly misunderstood!
Let me be extremely clear about one thing...I am not, have not, nor will I ever relapse! I have gone through some stressful times. Stress is a part of life. The key lies in how we respond to that stress. I am not a stress eater. I tend to completely lose my appetite and must remind myself to eat when I am under a heavy load of stress.
I have made a few comments recently about loving my saltines, losing some weight, and dealing with the stress. However, I have also made some comments in my blog and newsletter about the reality of the recovery process...because it is just that...a PROCESS! Just because I have a bad day, or even a bad month, and my eating is not completely up to par does not mean I am relapsing. I am VERY aware that my intake is down. Which is why I cling to my saltines. I will not force myself to eat large meals if my stomach is telling me it can't handle it. I am not underweight, ill, gaunt looking or pale. I am far from it.
I am simply dealing with the stress as it comes. If anyone that is reading this is attempting to fight an eating disorder and get to recovery, realize this is a process! Realize this is not an alarming situation, rather another step on my journey to recovery. I have referred to ed throwing bricks at my window panes, and right now he is doing just that. But guess what? I KNOW HE IS DOING IT! I am not hiding from it, trying to avoid it, or stuff the feelings that are there. I am facing them. But it will not change overnight.
I can accept that this is a temporary situation. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and know that as long as I keep myself in check, I will be able to keep ed back there in my subconscious. I can already assure you he is tiring out, and quickly at that. His voice is getting more and more distant as each day passes and I work through my emotional stress. And as I work through another layer of stress, I am able to add more intake to my diet. I do not thrive off of my weight loss. I am not addicted to checking the scale every day to see if I lost more. I do not purposefully avoid meals or hunger pains...if I were, then that would be a problem and definitely considered a relapse.
Rather, I am aware that my weight has dropped and am working on finding a balance. I do not get a high when my doctor mentions I have lost weight, it simply serves as a reminder for me to continue fighting. I do not avoid my hunger pains...when my body speaks to me through groans in my stomach, I listen and feed it as much as it will accept.
I am human. I do not pretend to be perfect on my road to recovery and am grateful that I am not still obsessed with perfection. I can accept that there will be one or two set backs...and I look forward to those set backs. Because when I fight through them, learn something new about myself, learn a new lesson in life, then I have succeeded once again! And I WILL continue to succeed on this road to recovery. I will continue to fight and will never lie about my struggles. They are real. They are there and I will not ignore an opportunity to gain more wisdom, an opportunity to get to know myself better than ed does, and an opportunity to push ed further back into my subconscious. THAT is real recovery and THAT is what I will forever fight for.