***They are GONE***

Three years ago, I was in treatment trying to let go of my issues with myself, my body and my detrimental coping skills. One day in group we decided to have a "burning". We were all going to burn something that we wanted to truly get rid of, once and for all. For me, it was the diet pills. I wanted to be rid of them and the awful effects they had not only on my body, but my mind as well. It was the hardest day I experienced while in treatment, but also became the turning point. As I watched the smoke rise and slowly disappear, through my tears, I knew I could beat this. My therapist came up to me and hugged me and all she said was, "They are gone, Sarah. They are gone." That was all I needed to hear to fully let them go.

Now, three years later, in strong recovery, I have finally let go of the last painful part of that experience. My extremely supportive and loving friends were there with me as I burned my painful journals that very descriptively and painfully documented my journey through the worst time of my life.

Beth and I loaded my car and headed up to Salt Lake where I met up with a friend that I was in treatment with. We caught up on old times, laughed and shared. And then the real work began. As my friend and I read through my journals one night, I felt as if I was completely re-living my hellish past. I could feel the tug in my throat as I read about a purging session, I could feel the tightness in my chest as the anxiety rose, palms sweaty and heart racing all at the same time. It was very surreal, and I even laughed at quite a few entries wondering if I was really reading MY journals. Thankfully there are many aspects of that point in my life that I hardly remember. Others are still painfully close to the surface. But, for the most part, going through those journals and feeling that pain gave me the confirmation I needed that burning them was the right thing to do.

The next morning Beth, BJ and I all got in my car and headed up the canyon. During the drive, I became overwhelmed with feelings of shame and regret as those memories continuously flooded my mind. I felt guilty that my friends were having to take time out of their day to come with me and embark on this journey of closure that I was seeking. I know that was ed attempting to nudge himself back in one last time...trying to deter me at the last minute and change my mind. Luckily that did not happen. It was freezing cold up the canyon and the wind was blowing pretty good so it took a few tries to get the fire started. But once it was flaming strong, there was no turning back.

Initially I was fairly somber. I wasn't exactly sure what to feel. Mostly, I was cold! I was trying so hard to ignore my bluish-purple fingers and focus on the fire. Once we had 2 or 3 journals in the fire, it finally started giving us some heat, and I was able to warm up. Suddenly I got very excited! I was hyper almost, loving the sight of those painful words turning to ashes as the smoke floated away.

At one point, one of my journals fell open as I tossed it into the fire. I can not fully explain the relief I felt as I watched the words on the pages literally go up in flames and disappear for good. I guess you could say it was very "cleansing" for me as I came to realize that those words would be gone forever. There is no pieceing together the ashes that were left in the fire pit. Although very freeing, that was also my lowest point of the burning. The tears began flowing and there was no stopping them. I felt safe with my supportive friends, so allowed the tears and the pain to completely flood my heart and mind. Without the pain, I would not gain the closure I am in such a desperate search for.

I am so grateful for the difficult experiences I have gone through in my life. I am grateful for the pain that has completely bogged me down this year, and the lessons I have learned while going through the pain. I wanted this year to be real. I wanted to allow myself to feel the pain, hopefully one last time, so that in future years this milestone will truly become a celebration of my new life and the strides I have made since letting go of my eating disorder. It was a part of my life, on and off, for 14 years. I made the choice to let go of that part of my life, and as far as I am concerned, there is no turning back. I took what I needed from those experiences, held onto the good, gained closure on the bad, and continue to learn more about myself and grow each and everyday.

There truly is joy to be found in the journey. Although I look forward to October 25th and the true celebration that I will participate in, the weeks leading up to that day have been more painful then I ever could have imagined. However, I am also seeing that life goes on. Work is always there, there is always homework and studying to be done, and I need to acknowledge that. I so look forward to my future. I look forward to the genuine happiness I have found in discovering the true, real Sarah.

I can't end this without acknowleding those that have been so instrumental on this amazing journey for me. Of course, my parents and family have always been so loving and helped me keep my focus on what is most important in life. I have worked with many great doctors and therapists along the way...mainly Bobbi, Susan and Beverly. I have made many new friends on my journey, and I am a true believer in the fact that people cross our paths for specific reasons. There are too many to mention, but you know who you are, and I truly hope you know how much your support and unconditional love has meant for me.

Although I am allowing myself 10 more days to fully process this situation and the experiences of my past, I can not wait until I am able to reach out to others. For my own sanity, I have to concentrate on keeping myself in check and must set my boundaries. But, no worries, I will be back and better then ever in no time! Hopefully I will be able to reach out and turn my own life experiences into a source of strength for others that may be struggling. I know I didn't go through such a hellish experience for my own sake. I know I have a duty to reach out and share my experiences. Just know this is only the beginning!