*** This is the bracelet for Eating Disorder Awareness...someday I will get myself one!It is now 1pm...13 hours after I expected my life to completely change. 13 hours after I assumed a specific date and strike of the minute-hand would somehow transform my life into the perfect scene - that scene where I am part of the "Jones" family. Ya know, the fmaily that everyone is envious of. Maybe I could be Marsha Jones that everybody liked (course, we all know that didn't turn out so well for her!) Or perhaps I could be Cindy Jones...it fits...with the blonde curly hair (I was quite blonde as a child). Either way, it wasn't the material possessions that the "Jones" apparently possessed that I was after. No...It was that persona, complete with perma-grin and a demeanor of what looked like perfect, genuine happiness and constant joy. Oh...how appealing that was to me! And, quite naively, I had this whole fairytale scenario in my head; I would become a REVERSE Cinderella! When that clock struck midnight, the ugly frog (I could use other, more choice words here, but I will censor) ed, would turn into my beautiful handsome prince. And almost instantaneously my heart would be lifted, all wounds would be healed. My glass slippers, of course would be red, but they would stay on my feet regardless of how many line dances I had previously performed! Oh, and my fairy Godmother would be there to wave her magical wand, causing all of that pain and despair to, **POOF**, disappear!
***REALITY...
13 hours into the day, I have still had 2 panic attacks. I still have some of the pain - and the memories are being held by ed, who I have recently discovered or acknowledge, has found a very comfortable compartment in the back of my sub-conscious in which to live. Ed is perched there, throwing brick after brick at these window panes that lead into my subconscious. It's funny, with how smart he claims to be, he doesn't even realize that those panes are now 3 windows thick (1 for each year of recovery!) and there is no way he will be busting through them all. But still, he will try, day in and day out, to toss these bricks and attempt to break through back into my conscious mind, where his voice tends to get a little louder, and much more convincing. However, I know for sure, he will never completely break back into my conscious mind. He may make a few dents, he may even shatter one or two panes when I am at my most vulnerable point...I have come to realize that he may always be there. But, more and more dust will continue to accumulate on and around him, slowly suffocating him, my window panes getting thicker and stronger with each passing year causing those bricks to simply bounce off my window pane and smack ed in the face...but I seriously doubt he will ever completely surrender. Another thing I know for sure is how sneaky and shady ed can be. He is an amazing liar. He can tell you your life is going straight to hell, and seriously, you can't wait for the ride. His commentary is soothing, his voice firm yet powerful...something many girls seek in a man. Plus, ed makes sure he is ALWAYS available...even when you don't call on him. He is ever present and he will step in at that exact moment when you are at your breaking point.
Ed is relentless and not easily offended. He will attempt to come back time after time, regardless of all the various ways you tried writing him off the first time. He gets over those hurtful words quickly and only uses them to fuel his fire and convince us we are wrong. If we believe we are wrong, we then feel weak. Once you feel weak, you are fair game for ed so watch your back!
Now...I do not bring up these points to scare or deter anyone from the purpose of my writing. I try to keep it as REAL as I possibly can. If I had stepped into treatment 3 years ago and my therapist said, hey, in about 6 months, life will be back to normal...right now, I would probably be hunting her down looking for some sort of explanation. Many sufferers, in treatment or not, still struggle with separating themselves from ed and his games. That was me..."No one shoved my fingers down my throat, this is MY responsibility, what is wrong with ME?!?" But that is NOT the point! The point is that there was some sort of traumatic incident that perpetuated, over time, a lack of self esteem. It perpetuated a lack of belief in self and a lack of self worth. That pain is beyond any pain that can ever fully be put into words, but just know, it is living a hell all it's own and is extremely difficult to overcome.
I am in strong recovery, 3 years later, because I worked w/a therapist that was real with me. She let me know this was a process. This was going to take time. She let me know it would be painful and never did "sugarcoat" a thing. And I would not have wished it any other way. To have some idea of what to expect over the years of recovery, helped me put things in perspective when I was completely lost. And, even still, with the painful memories, with the stresses of life, and a few traumatic experiences, I realize that I am exactly where I am supposed to be on my road to recovery.
***REALITY...
13 hours into the day, I have still had 2 panic attacks. I still have some of the pain - and the memories are being held by ed, who I have recently discovered or acknowledge, has found a very comfortable compartment in the back of my sub-conscious in which to live. Ed is perched there, throwing brick after brick at these window panes that lead into my subconscious. It's funny, with how smart he claims to be, he doesn't even realize that those panes are now 3 windows thick (1 for each year of recovery!) and there is no way he will be busting through them all. But still, he will try, day in and day out, to toss these bricks and attempt to break through back into my conscious mind, where his voice tends to get a little louder, and much more convincing. However, I know for sure, he will never completely break back into my conscious mind. He may make a few dents, he may even shatter one or two panes when I am at my most vulnerable point...I have come to realize that he may always be there. But, more and more dust will continue to accumulate on and around him, slowly suffocating him, my window panes getting thicker and stronger with each passing year causing those bricks to simply bounce off my window pane and smack ed in the face...but I seriously doubt he will ever completely surrender. Another thing I know for sure is how sneaky and shady ed can be. He is an amazing liar. He can tell you your life is going straight to hell, and seriously, you can't wait for the ride. His commentary is soothing, his voice firm yet powerful...something many girls seek in a man. Plus, ed makes sure he is ALWAYS available...even when you don't call on him. He is ever present and he will step in at that exact moment when you are at your breaking point.
Ed is relentless and not easily offended. He will attempt to come back time after time, regardless of all the various ways you tried writing him off the first time. He gets over those hurtful words quickly and only uses them to fuel his fire and convince us we are wrong. If we believe we are wrong, we then feel weak. Once you feel weak, you are fair game for ed so watch your back!
Now...I do not bring up these points to scare or deter anyone from the purpose of my writing. I try to keep it as REAL as I possibly can. If I had stepped into treatment 3 years ago and my therapist said, hey, in about 6 months, life will be back to normal...right now, I would probably be hunting her down looking for some sort of explanation. Many sufferers, in treatment or not, still struggle with separating themselves from ed and his games. That was me..."No one shoved my fingers down my throat, this is MY responsibility, what is wrong with ME?!?" But that is NOT the point! The point is that there was some sort of traumatic incident that perpetuated, over time, a lack of self esteem. It perpetuated a lack of belief in self and a lack of self worth. That pain is beyond any pain that can ever fully be put into words, but just know, it is living a hell all it's own and is extremely difficult to overcome.
I am in strong recovery, 3 years later, because I worked w/a therapist that was real with me. She let me know this was a process. This was going to take time. She let me know it would be painful and never did "sugarcoat" a thing. And I would not have wished it any other way. To have some idea of what to expect over the years of recovery, helped me put things in perspective when I was completely lost. And, even still, with the painful memories, with the stresses of life, and a few traumatic experiences, I realize that I am exactly where I am supposed to be on my road to recovery.
1 comment:
I know you probably haven't felt like this these past few weeks, but I want you to know you're a very strong individual, and I am extremely impressed with you. You see things how they are, and are determined to work with what you've got. That takes a lot of courage. I love you tons and I'll always be here for you!
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