Beautiful, Yet Rough Time Of Year...

This time of year is always difficult for me. I absolutely LOVE Fall and Halloween and the change in weather, etc. However, it was also three years ago that I was going through the absolute hardest time of my life. I was having this discussion with friends the other night, friends that have gone through tough and dramatic situations, and asked them how they deal with the "anniversary" of such events.

It got me thinking that I really need to turn this time of year into a celebration. Instead of those memories bogging me down and becoming possible triggers for me, I need to look at this time of year as literally when I "turned over a new leaf"! An orange one at that...since I especially love the colors this time of year!

I want to escape...I want to go see someone I met exactly 3 years ago, who has become a lifelong friend in Salt Lake. I want to go visit a friend in Idaho that has known me since I was 13 years old...and still loves and accepts me! I want to actually go back to Tennessee (even though I hated living there) and visit someone that also became a very close friend. I want to go to Maine and visit my sister in her new mansion 2 minutes from the beach. I want to go to Manhattan and see a broadway...on Broadway.

But on the other hand, I want to go on with my life, crazy as it is right now. I don't want to make this time of year into something big because I want those memories to eventually fade to black. I only want to remember one day...the day I graduated and started my REAL recovery and that was October 25, 2005. THAT is a day to celebrate. A day to commemorate and a day to always remember. But the 8 weeks prior...no....I want to let them go. I am tired of feeling the pain of those 8 weeks. I am tired of feeling the shame and fear, the pressure and confusion, the fatigue and anger of facing an eating disorder head on. As each year passes, the memories do begin to gray, but I want that to happen now! Yes, of course I had breakthrough days, "aha" moments, and great things that happened in treatment. But at the same time, none of those were fully realized or implemented until I graduated and moved on with my life.

SO, here I am, 3 weeks out from that one day that I truly look forward to, and I find myself feeling bogged down again by those memories. I realize I have the power to change that. I realize it is up to me to decide to completely let go of that past. But for whatever reason, I haven't quite figured out how to do that! Maybe this will be my year. Maybe 3 weeks from now I will finally be able to let go of my journals from that painful time. I have always considered a bonfire out in the mountains somewhere, simply because it is such a symbolic thing to participate in. As the smoke rises and disappears, so does the pain and the fear and the shame. I guess I have a lot of thinking to do over the next 3 weeks, in the hopes that this will be the year!

Until then, I will do my best to be happy each day. To find the joy in the journey, to be grateful for my health and well-being. I will find the brighter side of the leaf each and everyday, and continue to progress along my path in life, hopefully surrounded by friends and family, with the help and guidance of my Savior, having learned the lessons fully intended for ME to learn on MY path in this life.